Merry Christmas

t. –

(This is Christmas number 29 for us my love.)

Wow 2016 has passed by so quickly.  So much has changed in the past year and Christmas couldn’t be a more joyous occasion. We will all be together in our home celebrating the holiday like it should be celebrated.  As a family.

So I chose not to make this year’s letter be all about 2016.  I figure I can squeeze in a 2016 year in review next week.  I wanted to make sure that I focused on Christmas itself and how exciting it is going to be as we move on to number 30 next year.

This is going to be difficult, because it requires some speculation.  Some assumptions that may or may not come true.  But I figure there is some level of certainty in our lives, so I’ll make the jump.

This may be our last Christmas as a just the 4 of us.  Which has become kind of special on its own.  Yes, we lack a huge family to celebrate the holidays.  But wouldn’t they just add some level of stress to the day anyway?  For about the past decade or so, we have managed Christmas with just the 4 of us.  We have our traditions, we have our routines and most importantly we all have each other.  We have been able to eat when we want, snack when we want, shower when we wanted and open presents when we wanted.  No timelines, no deadlines, no travelling long distances.  Just some super relaxing 2 days of being together and loads of presents.

I guess next year (and sort of this year) that all changes.

We have the puppy this year.  So for the first time in about 6 years we will have someone destroying wrapping paper that will need to be cleaned up.  She will add the “5th” stocking.  She becomes family member number 5.

We get our first “boyfriend” this year.  Someone from the “outside” joining us on Christmas.  The first potential new family member.  A true “outsider”.  He will see just how joyous you make the holiday.  How amazing you make the food and how perfect you make the holiday.  Someone not named Rozell gets to experience true Tracy holiday magic.  He probably doesn’t know how lucky he is to be a part of this day with our family.

We will likely have a more permanent new family member next year.  Thus, we start on the process of “extended” family.  Again, a whole new set of people who get to experience what a Tracy Rozell Christmas is all about.  The world may not be ready for this.

You would think I am talking about the presents, but I am not.  I am talking about the way you make the holiday perfect.

Look around my love.  5 houses in 7 years and you still make everything fit perfectly.  Nutcrackers found a new home.  Snow globes found a new home.  6 trees.  A spot where you can stand and see 5 trees at one time!  The gentle Santa Claus standing in the snow greeting anyone who walks through the doors.  A new tree covered in pictures of a family with a lifetime of memories.  A mantle elegantly decorated.  A sports themed basement with its own tree.  Packages in the front yard anchored by Mr. and Mrs. Snowman who have finally been set up as they should have been.

I can go on and on about the decorations.  They are winter wonderland of perfection.

But it doesn’t end there.  Food glorious food.  Cookies.  The Rozell cheese plate.  Shrimp Cocktail.  Lasagna.  A perfect Christmas eve meal.  In the morning, there will be popovers and egg casserole.  By mid-day there will be a perfect dinner.  Not rushed in any way, but prepared and served at a pace fitting with 4 people just enjoying the day together.

The reading of “’Twas the night Before Christmas” makes its annual appearance.  Along with the appropriately played Christmas movies.  There will likely be Hot Chocolate at some point as well.  Christmas music has filled the car for weeks and now will fill the house.

The presents will be opened in a fury.  Screams of joy and smiles galore.  A fashion show from one and perfectly folded and put away gift from the other.  The fun seems to never end.  How it fits in a roughly 36-hour window I have no idea.  But with a little Tract magic anything is possible.

Once an outsider witnesses this entire event, they may never want to spend Christmas anywhere else.  Don’t even get me started about when the Grand kids get involved.  I think that is what I look forward to most for you in the future.  They will have no idea how magical you can make things.  I am certain you will start even more traditions just to fit them and make them feel special.

It is your season again.  I guess you should expect this from a person who as a little girl had holiday variety shows in her basement in JULY!  You are the magic of Christmas my love.  You are the season.  You probably think we are all about the presents you buy each year, but the best present you give every year is a magical holiday.  We are so lucky.

Finally, I have one last thing to say this holiday season.  It is off theme with the rest of the letter, but I have been waiting all year to say it to you.

2016 has been one of the best years of my life.  I have fallen even more in love with you than ever before.  It seems that each day things just got better and better for us.  It was a year of “Jim and Tracy”.  We spent so much time together just enjoying ourselves.  In my wildest dreams, I never thought I could be so close to another person.  Yet somehow, we get closer every day.  Somehow, we surpass what I thought was “the best it can be” and make it better.  Everyday something more wonderful between us.  I wake up every day with the same though Tracy.  “How can it get any better than this?” And everyday I got to sleep and think the same thing.  “Somehow it got better than the day before”.  You are truly “The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me”.  I love you so much.

You’re the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Merry Christmas.  

Thursday

I feel pretty lucky that this owning my own business is finally working out for us.  Outside of the "more consistent" income part i have found what I think is the best benefit of the our little company.

Working from home on Fridays allows us to make Thursday "our time".  In fact it has become something I look forward to every week.  Taco Thursday, Chili Thursday, Popcorn Thursday and most importantly Thirsty Thursday.  It is the day of the week I enjoy most.

Playing cards with you while we enjoy some sports on TV and cocktails is a perfect way to end my week.  Watching a Blackhawks game or whatever lame NFL game i son makes it even better.  We may finally have to embrace those Chicago Bulls once football ends, but for some reason neither of us can seem to get on board with them this season.  Once Sox season starts we can watch them lose game after game after game.  But Hawk will make us laugh, plus we don't need sound for the Sox.

And hey now we have video games!  Who knows where that will lead.  Probably to tons of spending on games we will never play, but seem like genius ideas at the time.

The night isn't all about sports though.  There is always the music part.  Lots of music.  There is the initial fight with the Beoplay, but then that thing helps us rock out like nobody can imagine.  We have microphones, guitars and now a harmonica.  We play them all so well and frankly we are fantastic singers!

You have no idea how much fun I think our concerts are together.  Do you have any idea how much you have to be in love with someone to feel that comfortable around them?  We literally hold "alone in the car" concerts with each other every week.

You rock Elton John, dominate Jackson Browne and frankly your dancing to Ftiz and the Tantrums is awesome.  I have my Billy Joel and some Dashboard Confessionals, but I know my place as your backup singer and rhythm guitar player.  People likely would pay to see us.  We will let the world know when we go on tour.

Then there is the "book".  SO many amazing "deep" and/or "silly" comments in get written down every week.  We are not just brilliant thinkers any more my love, we are "published" thinkers.

The fun lasts and last until we get hungry enough to eat our midnight-ish meal.  Lots of popcorn, leftovers, salami sandwiches - you name it.  Even a few "chopped" like concoctions we have created late at night.  Yummy Yummy Yummy.

Then off to bed for the best part of the night (well to me at least). Always amazing.  Always.

So have those cocktails ready my love, it is Thursday.  Hawks play the Islanders at 6PM.  Best day of the week is on tap.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

This year I am thankful for....forever

It is turkey day again.  My favorite holiday of the year.  Not only because I get to eat the food, but because every time I watch you cook the food I am reminded of the amazing life we have shared together and how far we have come from just being responsible to "bring the dinner rolls" to the feast you prepare each year.

It is kind of like a parallel measure of our life journey together.  Your thanksgiving dinner has grown throughout the years at a pace similar marriage.  Growing more refined, complicated and amazing each year.  So the next time you add a new recipe to the feast, think of how it emulates something else new we added in our amazing lifetime together.

I am going to use a list to remind of you what I am thankful for this year.  However, it is not intended to be a "year in review" list for 2016.  That will come at a later time (hmmm did I just "leak" the Christmas letter theme? maybe...maybe not).

First and foremost I am thankful for our marriage.  It remains the one thing in my life I can always count on to be great.  It never drifts away and it never lets me down.  This week I heard a Ben Harper song called "Forever" about his marriage.  In the song he says "Forever always seems to be around where it begins, but forever never seems to be around when it ends"  So my love give me your forever.  We will never end.

I am also thankful for the family we have made together.  Like any family it isn't perfect, but it is the best family for us.  I dreamed my whole life about having a family of my own.  You made it possible.  You perfected it.  You made sure it exceeded even my wildest dreams.

I am thankful for the good times and fun we have together.  I am truly never bored.  Somehow you manage to make me smile all the time.  Bad moods are short lived with you in my life.  We always seem to find something to entertain us.  Be it singing out loud or dancing around the basement.  It is just always a great time.

Finally, I am thankful we have settled on a place to live forever.  Because all I really want for the rest of my life is to spend forever with you.

So I know that this is the "what I am thankful for" blog post.  But in the end I am simply thankful for you.  Last week we were in the basement and you had a Led Zeppelin song playing and immediately I realized just how much I love you.  And I was shocked at the lyrics.

If the sun refused to shine
I would still be loving you
When the mountains crumble to the sea
There would still be you and me

Little Drops of rain
Mere Whispers of any pain
Our love is strong
with you there is no wrong

And so today my world it smiles
Your hand in mine, we walk the miles
For you to me are the only one

Happy Turkey day my love.  I will always be thankful for you in my life.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

WE celebrate your Happy Birthday 2016

It is now really kind of celebration for me to post this entry.  Because as you know this blog was originally a birthday gift to you.  That is what makes this one kind of cool.

First of all today marks 9 years of this blog - yes 9 years.  Almost a decade of entries.

It also marks the 250th entry in this blog.  Which I gather is a kind of milestone, so the pressure is on to make it special.  No worries, I had an idea waiting for an entry.  I'll just make it "birthday-ish" so it fits.

About 3 weeks ago we sat in the basement and had a conversation.  You will remember the one.  It wasn't a fun conversation by any means.  But afterwards it reminded me of something incredibly  important.  Something that made me realize that I needed to change my view on life or at the least change my approach,.

You see my love, this is a good life.  And as you celebrate your 47th birthday, I am going to make it my mission to have us always remember what a good life has been crammed into the past 28 or so years (that math gets so fuzzy all the time).

So first of all let me give you a math test of sorts.  WE have been a part of your life for almost twice as many years as WE have not.  In fact, officially (rounding up of course), 60% of your life has been lived while it was WE.  This means that whatever we experienced prior to WE isn't nearly as impactful as the WE parts.  (Side not spell check is telling me that impactful is not a word, I disagree).  The WE part of our lives in now just OUR lives.

We have been so blessed.  Do you have any idea how important it is to know that every day when you wake up, the person in the bed with you loves you with all their heart?  We shouldn't take that for granted.  In fact everyday when we wake up our day starts better than any other person on this earth.  What we do with our day from their is on us.  WE started out ahead of everyone else.

WE have two amazing young ladies as children.  While neither is perfect, they are simple reminders that our love graced this world with two amazing people.  They know what it means to see what true love is, they saw it every day.  They may not realize that now, but they will some day.  It will become important to them soon enough.

WE have endured every bad turn, every piece of bad news, every bump in the road - EVERYTHING.  After it all WE still know all WE need to do is reach out for the other ones hand and everything is fine.  Not only is fine then, but it will be fine forever.

There are no bad days my love.  None.  There are annoyances in our day.  That is it.  Blips.  White noise.  Static on the screen.  Call it whatever you want, but WE have had so much good in our lives that WE know that it will pass.  When it does WE can hold hands or hug and know that WE knew it would be fine all along.

So your "extra" birthday gift is for you to join me in my new view on life.  Because the view comes from WE.  WE is what is really important.  WE make everything alright.  WE will slip into bed tonight and tomorrow WE will wake up with a head start on the rest of the world.  No matter what.

Happy 47th birthday.  You are as beautiful and amazing as you were at 6 or 9 or 13 or 18 or 25 or 32 or whatever age you want to choose.  You are as perfect as you need to be my love  Always have been.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Sweater Weather

It dawned on me last night as I stood at the airport that the change in weather has an added benefit for me and me alone.

You see I am in love with a woman that is beautiful in that truly "soft" kind of way.  It is that touch of femininity and class that makes her appear softly beautiful.  She couldn't pull off the "high-heels, short skirt, over-makeup, harsh" kind of look.  It just isn't her. Her beauty is nestled in her soft eyes and dazzling smile.  Features that are far more tantalizing than a "made up" woman has to utilize to get attention.  This isn't to say my wife isn't sexy, she is very sexy.  Just never in that trashy way.

This soft beauty lends itself very well to this season.  Extremely well.

Why you ask?  Because this kind of soft beauty looks amazing in one particular garment that fits the season AND truly fits the love of my life.  THE SWEATER!

Now, mind you, there are a few particular other reasons she looks great in a sweater (I will let you figure that out on your own), but accentuating her soft beauty is at the top of the list.  So during this season I get the benefit of seeing her in all kinds of different sweaters and enjoying them all.  Add in the right kind of jeans with that sweater and well, we may not make it out of the house to enjoy the weather (if you know what I mean :))

So stick around cool weather.  I love it.  I win at all turns.  My wife looks beautiful.  I am not dying for the heat and it is Badger football season!  (she looks great in Badger wear too BTW)

However, in case you need a boost my love, I have added some links to help you get started this season.  Your favorite stores.  My favorite time of the year.

http://www.jjill.com/jjillonline/prodnav/grid.aspx?pfid=19&h=M&sk=M&BID=815048445

http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/womens-sweaters

http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/womens-apparel/sweaters?id=12374

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

What love really is....

This post is short and intended to be so.

Recently I saw a man talk about the difference between love and loyalty.  Essentially he said that both love and loyalty hold 3 things in common.

1) They both make you feel safe

I have no issues here - I am safe whenever I am with you.  Together we can handle anything at anytime.  We comfort each other and make the other feel like they have shelter.  We make each other feel safe.

2) They both make your life easier

I can't even begin to tell you how true this is on my end.  All the things you do for me.  The list is endless.  I can only hope that while less direct you are aware of everything I do for you.  They may be far more subtle, but I do many things just for you.  We make each others lives so much easier.  Without one another life would be - hard.

3) They both make your life better

This is so simple, with you my life if better.  Better than anything I could ever have imagined.

Then he ended with what separates loyalty from love.

He said "You can be loyal to something and suddenly change your loyalty, but when you truly love something....that is forever.  It is a feeling you can never change.  You may think you stop loving something, but you can't.  If it is true love it is never ending.".

I love you forever my angel.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Writing I love You

Once there was this boy.  He was so in love with this girl.  Like he had never felt before.

He told he loved her all the time.  Too much he thought.  He was afraid if he said it too much she would run away.

At times he couldn't control himself and he had to say it again.  So he came up with a plan.  He would write "I L O V E U" with his finger on her arm.  It would be cute.  It would allow him to say it without saying it.  This way he wouldn't scare her off.  It would become a fun game.

She loved it.  She found it cute.  It worked.

He did it for years.

Over time he stopped doing it.  Not because he didn't love her any longer or any less, but because he no longer feared he would scare her off.  Plus they had a family now, there was so much love going around they needed fewer and fewer reminders.

Time passed and he kind of forgot about the game.  He didn't mean too, he just didn't need to play anymore.  They had found so many other was to express there love for each other.

Every once in a while he would do it at a random time.  She would smile.  He loved it when she smiled, but he would still go long periods of time without doing it.

"I L O V E U".  So easy.  So simple.

Now he finds himself wanting to do it more and more.  Now after nearly 3 decades, he still has that overwhelming urge to tell her he loves her.  But now he just says it.  After nearly 30 years, they both know it.  But it wouldn't hurt to have it be cute again.

She deserves some cute.  Some romance.  So it will start happening again.

"I L O V E U".

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

The day I first held your hand....

A relationship that has lasted as long as ours is full of "first times".  The list of the first time we did this or the first time you said that goes on and on.  Over time a relationship builds a history and creates a life of its own.  New memories, new experiences and new feelings.  They just never stop coming.

There are some really memorable events that are etched in time.  They require no recall because they were so large you just will always remember them.  First kiss.  Birth of first child.  First house.  The big stuff is easy.

There are also those so memorable that there is no way they are forgotten.  Some are good. Some are bad.  Some taught us things.  Some were "realizations".  Some made us laugh.  Some made us cry.  Some we hope would never end, some we hoped we would never forget.

I guess that is what a lifetime with someone you love becomes - it becomes your life.  Your pool of memories and the things that bind you together.

We kind of differ in our approach to this whole thing.  I tend to only really remember the good things.  The wonders and amazements.  The romantic times, the sexy times, the fun times and the joy of it all.  Not matter how you slice it, it is the truly wonderful lifetime we have built together.

Through all of this one memory slips my mind.  One I feel like should be super important to me.  One that has re-occurred so many time since the first time that the first SHOULD be memorable.  Then again maybe it shouldn't.

I can't remember the first time I held your hand.  The first time I reach for your hand and our fingers locked together.  I find hand holding truly intimate, so not remembering kind of bugs me.  Or does it?

I wonder if it was while we were walking next to each other?  Did I reach down and grab your hand and gently swing our arms back and forth while we walked?  Were you surprised?  Did you grab my hand back?  Did you look at me an acknowledge that I had done so?

Or were we in the car and I reach over and grabbed your hand?  Pulled it closer to me while we drove.  A hand hold in the car is totally different. A different "move" so to speak.  How did you react?  Did you hold my hand back?  Did you smile at me?  Did I pull your hand up and kiss it?  Were you scared I might crash with my one handed driving?

Maybe it was while we sat and watched TV.  Sitting next to me and I reached over and pulled your hand into mine.  As part of the hand hold, I likely pulled you closer to me.  Classic move right?

Sadly, I can't remember.  But then again maybe remembering isn't so important.  I have held that hand a million times.  I know how your skin feels.  I know how big your hand is in mine.  I know how high to lock our fingers so it is comfortable.  I know how much to swing my arms when we walk.  I know how your fingers feel on the back of my hand.  I know how your skin tastes when I kiss the back of your hand.  I know how warm you hand is in mine.  I know you don't have sweaty palms.  I know EXACTLY what to expect.  ALWAYS.

In reality I don't want memories of a first time hand hold.  I don't want to worry about being nervous or how you will react.  I want my memory of holding your hand to be exactly what it has become over our lifetime together.  It is something that gives me comfort.  Something that I can always count on.  It is EXACTLY what I need sometimes - just because.  Holding your hand makes me feel safe, loved and happy.  I'll take that any day.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

A Plan for Life: Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mothers Day My Love.

It appears that Mother's Day has never really been a big day for the blog.  Not sure why, but it appears that over the past 6 years this forum hasn't been used to tell the world how special you are as a mother.

I know today is an especially big day for you.  Life is as it should be.  And that is a good thing.  However, I have come to realize that things were never "not as they should be" and for a very good reason.  You are not just a good mom, you are a great mom.  Here is why.

Over the years you have spent considerable time with one basic parental rule.  One rule that I think you figured "if this goes right, everything else will fall into place".  I just don't think you know how deep that rule went.  How important it was to our children.  Better yet, how much it impacted their lives.

That rule is simple.  As you have always said, "I simply want my daughters to look in the mirror and be happy with what they see".  I think you have said it in many forms, but that is the gist of your plan.  A simple rule, but one with such far reaching effects.

On the surface, it has a bit of an air of vanity.  When they look in the mirror they should see an outward appearance that makes them proud.  Yes, they see that they are beautiful.  Yes, they see something appealing to the eye.  Yes they realize that they were given gifts of attractiveness.  No they are not fat.  No they are not ugly.  No they don't see something hideous.  You taught them to think they are beautiful.  I think that no matter what either says, they feel this way.  They know that they have outward beauty.  Better yet, they both know are the only ones they need to be beautiful for.  Most importantly, I think they both look like their mom, and frankly you are stunning.

The "look in the mirror" goes a bit deeper though.  When they look in the mirror they both know that they need to look beyond the outward appearance and see something that makes them proud.  They can both answer the question "am I the person I need to be".  While the answer may not always be yes.  They both know to look.  They both know that the person in that mirror has to feel good about themselves.  That person needs to know that they are happy.  They need to know that they are loved.  You have been the type of mother who has done everything possible to make certain that happiness is more important than anything else.  You have been the type of mother who has taught them that "self-pride" is more important than anything anyone else may say or think about them.  You have made them not just pretty girls, but amazing young ladies.

The "look in the mirror" also has one final aspect.  It is one you take for granted, but I think is very important to them.  Because you have been so important to them their whole lives, they look in the mirror and ask themselves one question every day.  "Do I see someone who my mother is proud of and approves of?"  When they don't they may lash out, they may fight, they may argue.  This is the tricky part.  Because no one is perfect.  No one makes it through their entire lives without a "hiccup" or a "bump in the road".  When your kids experience those things they have been taught that the path away from those interruptions is being able to look in the mirror and see what their mother knows they should see.  Thus when they have doubts, they somehow have let you down.  Yet they both know that everything will be back to normal when they look in the mirror and see the person their mother brought them up to be.  When they look in the mirror and see someone they are proud of, someone beautiful and someone happy - then they are good.  Then they are reminded that their mom taught them well, That she knew exactly what they needed to be happy.

Life isn't always perfect.  Life isn't always pretty.  But a because our children were given a "plan" for life by their mother, life is always good.  You did an amazing thing.  Gave them a gift they will keep forever.  You taught them a lesson from a very young age that they will keep forever.

That is why we celebrate Mother's Day for you.  It isn't because of all the work you have done for the past 26 years.  It isn't for the diaper changes, soccer games, school events, presents, clothes, haircuts, or anything else.  Those things any mother can do.  It is because from birth you always knew what was best for them.  It is because you raised them well.  It is because you gave them a plan for life.

I'll add the more obvious Mother's Day notes to make this complete.

* They know you are always there for them.  Even if it isn't in the manner they want, it is always ultimately in the manner they need.
* They know that no matter what they have someone to reach out to that will make them smile.
* They know they have someone who will stand up for them and defend them no matter how silly or minor the issue.
* They know that they can get advice from you at any time - sometimes even when they do not want it or agree with it.  Yet somehow they seem to always come around to your wisdom.
* They know MOST IMPORTANTLY that they are loved.  Unconditionally, unequivocally and FOREVER.

So Happy Mothers Day my love.  It is your day.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

A Happy Day for WE

First of all I apologize for the past week or so.  I simply don't feel right.  I have no idea why.  My head is foggy, my thoughts disorganized and I am so tired.  It will pass.  But I apologize for not being myself.  Given all the change in our lives, it is bad timing on my part.

Today is a pretty happy day.  I say that because a year was ago very sad.  Today reminds me that WE are amazing.  That WE can overcome anything.  More importantly that WE are more than just a couple, more than just a marriage, more than just in love - WE are something special.

I really don't know how people should measure success in theirs lives.  I think a lot of people have money.  I think a lot of people have nice cars.  I think a lot of people have fancy houses.  But I don't think a lot of people have what WE have.

WE have done so many amazing things in our lives together.  How many other people have truly been "in love" for as long as WE have?   How many other people have fallen down, picked themselves up and moved on as well as WE have?  How many people have had as many amazing times as WE have?  Does that measure our success?

So let me explain what WE have accomplished and why WE are successful.

WE have grown up together.  WE know everything about each other.  WE know what the other other learned and experienced for most of their lives.  While some might think it is bad there are few surprises, I think that not being surprised is a good thing.  WE have a keen insight into one another that few have.

WE built a family together.  No family is perfect.  Not even close.  But ours reflects almost everything WE thought it should.  Not everything we wanted, but at least everything we thought it should be.  WE have two beautiful daughters.  Both smart, charming, engaging young girls.  They have strong senses of humor, good values, respect and at most levels responsibility.  They aren't perfect, but they will almost always find a way to make us smile.

WE built a relationship together.  WE have a million inside jokes and a million more ways to make each other smile and another million or so to make each other laugh.

WE hold hands very well.  It is like our hands are fit for each other.  Who knows maybe they were.

WE have some amazing kisses.  Not ever the gross, sloppy kind, but always the kind where you know you are kissing the right person.

But most importantly, I think what makes us great is that WE realize that what WE do for others will make their lives better.  WE have each other, WE know WE always will.  WE don't ever have to worry about being alone, so WE do everything WE possibly can to make the people who WE love happier.  WE are now in the part of our lives where WE have enough and can make others happy too.  WE are the final scene in It's a Wonderful Life.

Again I feel like I rambled today, but I woke up very happy.  I hugged you before I left and stole some of your Mojo (not Juju cause you taught me the difference).  I stole from your hug.  But mostly, I just want you to know how much I love you.

WE have made a mark on this world.  One for the better.  Today our little one celebrates her birthday, but in reality WE are celebrating making another mark on this world.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

I Count on You

So this morning as I grabbed my coffee and sat down at my desk, I looked at the pool of work in front of me.   What first?  I have some tidying up to do on a big presentation.  But honestly the real mood has yet to hit me on that project.  I have some clean up on a process I changed yesterday, but it appears to be working fine right now.  So no real hurry.  I started some mapping yesterday and really need to finish that.  Or I could take a few minutes and post something to the most important person in my life.

This morning she didn't look like she was "OK" when I left.  Last night while she slept, she kind of didn't have that peacefulness she has had all these years we have been sleeping in the same bed.  And all I could think was "this is all my fault".

This isn't an apology post.  This blog was never intended for that purpose.  So please don't read it as such.  Not that I truly don't apologize for being an ass.  I truly do.  I hope you know that.

So I am going to use this space to tell you how much you mean to me.  How on each of the few brief moments in the past 28 years I have taken that for granted, how I immediately regretted doing so.  How I couldn't imagine a day without you in my life.

First of all, I count on morning with you.  I count on my hug and "I love you too".  I hate that you are so aware that withholding that upsets me.  I count your smile when you wake up.  I count on you snuggling with me and sometimes not letting me get out of bed.  You start my day the way it should be started.  Happy.

Throughout the day I know there will be times when I just need to hear your voice.  I count on this too.  No matter what goes on it always helps me to hear you say "hello" when I call home.  I get great relief from stress when you are on the other end of  a call.  I need you to keep me centered, keep me focused and most of all make me know that so long as we have each other - everything is going to be just fine.

I count on you to make me laugh.  I count on you to make me smile.  I count on you to make me feel safe.  I count on you to make me feel loved.

Simply put, I count on you.  I hope you feel the same way about me.

So I kept this short and sweet, but hope I made my point.  Enough silliness my love, I need to make you smile.  I hope this helped.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

(just a note - about halfway through this post I got a phone call.  However, it doesn't appear to have interrupted the flow)

Happy Anniversary My Love.......and then she

I can't believe another year has passed.  My favorite day of the year has come again.  My day of ultimate joy and celebration.  My day of amazement and astonishment.  My one day of the year when I know everything goes right - no matter what.  Our anniversary (in my head I said "anniverserary").

It seems like there could never be something so perfect.  Especially between two people.  I read recently that people are less likely to form bonds than at any point in the history of the world.  That computers, social media and the "connected lifestyle" have almost replaced the need for actual human interaction and emotion.  That relationships have become as disposable as your next cell phone upgrade.  That ironically your next cell phone upgrade or the next release of the iPhone are more personal moments in your life than your actual relationships.  Wow, that creepy movie where the guy fell in love with the computer may really becoming reality.

Thank god you and I are safe form that world. I know we are because there is nothing more I treasure than my relationship with you.  In fact, I can't imagine anything that could be more important.  I know that in the past few weeks I have complained about never being alone.  It isn't that I want to be alone at all.  It is that I feel really bad that I don't update this blog.  And it takes being alone to be able to write something you feel like will be poignant and make the reader smile.  I can't do that with you in the other room or at work with a busy office going on around me.

I, in fact, need the interaction with you to be feel live.  How that could ever go away baffles me.  How a generation of people will have even a slight chance of not feeling that way.  How the "approval" of faceless minions could ever replace the comfort of having someone actually with you.  And not just with you physically, but with you entirely.  I feel that way when I am with you.  Alive.  Real.  Safe.  Whatever the words are, I know I feel it.

So today I celebrate that feeling.  The one I can't really describe.  The one that makes me smile when I shouldn't, cry when it doesn't make sense, laugh when nothing is funny and get that warm feeling when it is freezing cold.  For the past 27 years I'd just call it "being in love".  But I feel like now we have even gone beyond just being in love.  We are at a love that never has doubts.  A love that we know will never go away.  A love that has no end.  27 years it took to get here and another 50 in front of us.

So I thought long and hard about how exactly I would explain this feeling to you.  The right words never came into my head.  Then today you did something that put it into words.  It was subtle, it was quick, but it made it all clear.

We were standing in the kitchen at the office.  Chris was eating salad.  I was standing in front of you.  I felt a small itch in the middle of my back.  I am not sure if I moved funny to make it stop or if I made that "back scratching like shoulder shrug" and you noticed.  But for no reason you reached up my shirt and scratched my back.  Like you knew somehow.  Like somehow you had a sense that I needed exactly that at that exact time.  27 years of an extremely personal relationship and an undying love made that happen.  So I immediately thought of the "...and then she..." moments.  Those things that happen magically between us.  So I figured for our anniversary I'd tell you about some of the best "...and then she..." moments that remind me why I love you so much.

...and then she smiles
...and then she makes me my favorite food
...and the she walks in front of me and moves just that way
...and then wears her hair different because she wants me to notice
...and then she puts her hand on my neck and rubs just so
...and then she kisses me at the top of my cheek
...and then she lets a song "I like" play o the radio
...and then she laughs
...and the she reaches to hold my hand 
...and then she gets that look in her eyes
...and then she calls to tell me something with that awesome excited voice
...and then she tells me she loves me
...and then she asks me to hold her in bed
...and then she won't let me get out of bed in the morning just because
...and then she just hugs me
...and then she just kisses me
...and then she just needs me
...and then she just loves me

...and then I realize that for 27 years those things have just happened.  Happened right on cue.  Happened when I need them most.  Happened when I didn't expect them.  They just happened because I have you.  Because you said "yes" so long ago.  The day I got everything I ever wanted.

Happy anniversary my love.

You’re the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Knight in Shinig Armor

So I think about stuff a lot.  No matter how hard I try I keep things out of my head they creep in.  Every fear, every concern, everything that makes my chest pound – I keep them to myself.  I am certain it is something from my childhood.  I am certain that it isn’t healthy.  I am really certain that I am not the only one in this world who does so.

I wonder – often – if our daughter didn’t get some of her issues from me.  I stress.  I worry. I try to fix things on my own.  Just like I think Megan does.  Who knows why?  The irony is that neither of us had tragic lives.  In fact, we generally had nothing but good in our lives.  What wires someone like that?  Who knows.  What makes someone kind of scared so often

It isn’t that I am a sad person.  In fact, I consider myself quite happy.  It is that I want things to always be good.  Good for me and good for those around me and that I love.

So now – having just read that set of paragraphs myself – do I realize I am full of crap.  Everyone needs someone.  Everyone needs a little help.  Everyone needs a Knight in Shining Armor.  Everyone.

So about three nights ago I texted to myself the following:  “blog entry Tracy is my night in shining armour…..no one e sticks up for me like her”.  For your enjoyment, I kept every typo and misspelling.  I have no idea why exactly it was texted.  For more humor I can tell you my next text to myself was 21 minutes later and said nothing more than “Samantha Stevens”.

So why would I text that to myself?  What did you do that prompted it?  What did I do that prompted me needing you to rescue me? Because that is what Knights in Shining Armor do right?  I really don’t remember.

So for about 3 days now I have been building this blog in my head.  I have to because I told myself to write it.  I really beat myself trying to remember what it was that prompted the text.  Then it kind of hit me.  Why would it require ONE thing to make me realize that you are my Knight in Shining Armor?  There are so many reasons.  Millions.  New ones every day.

Why do I call you my Knight in Shining Armor? Well that is easy.  You are the one person in life I know that no matter what I can count on.  You will be there for me.  You will support me.  You will love me.

You don’t care how successful I am at work.  You don’t care if I get things right or wrong.  You don’t even care if I fix things.  You just love me.

You somehow know when I had a bad day.  Like some kind of magic, you take my bad to good.  Like you somehow waved magic wand over my head and “POOF!”  - all better.

You somehow know what will make me smile.  You are the only person in my whole life who has every so consistently made me laugh.  You are like a “cheering up” waiting to happen.

You warm me inside.  You make me feel loved.  If I sat here all day and thought to myself “I wonder if anyone else is thinking about me”, I know that the answer is yes.  You are. You are the one person, one person who is concerned about me even when I am not with them.

You are my Knight in Shining Armor.  The person who rescues me from anything I can’t handle.  The person who won’t expect me to thank them for just being there.

You are the one person in life I can count on to love me best.

Just so you know, I will always be that person for you as well.  We can ride our white horses together – rescuing each other every day for the rest of our lives.

So I just re-read this whole blog.  It is rambling.  I gave thought to scrapping it and trying again tomorrow.  I thought she is going to read this and think “what the hell is wrong”?  But nothing is wrong my love.  It was a response to a self text – because at the moment the text was sent, I was feeling in love.  As aimless as it reads, it accomplished my goal.  It did what I wanted.  And that goal was you ask?

Read it again my love.  It is aimless rambling of someone so truly in love with someone he gets confused from time to time.  Someone so truly in love with someone that he keeps expecting it to become “too good to be true” and yet day after day after day it never does.  It is a response to a text sent in a moment when I was likely having another – how could this life with her be so good? And got scared.  Because being this in love is kind of scary right?

It is the aimless rambling of a guy who has met the love of his life and somehow knows that “nothing can be this perfect”.  But it is.  So it sounds confusing.  Because in reality no two people should have ever been this lucky.  Lottery?  Don’t need a ticket.  I have already won.

You’re the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Giving you your blog back for Valentine’s Day….

I am not sure if you realize it but we are getting pretty close to celebrating something for the 30^th time.  2016 will mark our 28^th Valentine’s Day together.  So close to 30.  28 times I will have asked you to be my Valentine and for the 28^th time I will wait to hear you say “yes” (well assuming you do say yes J).

Valentine’s Day poses kind of a dilemma for us.  So I thought long and hard a few weeks ago about what to give you this year.  Flowers? A given.  Cook dinner or something of the sort?  Easy.  But a present?  Can’t even imagine what you want/need.  However, I can give you something you used to have and should have back.

So I am giving you the blog back.  Giving it back with a commitment to updating it as regularly as possible.  No less than once a month and hopefully more frequent.  I saw the last “bringing the blog back post”, but that plan was hijacked by life events.  It just never seemed the right mood for the blog.  That was wrong of me. I missed the point. Because after all my love, I have lots to say to you about us. 

Welcome back blog entries, oh how I missed you.

After deciding to return, I struggled with what topics.  I have a “2016:  A Long December” idea.  But it is a different kind of romantic than Valentine’s Day.  I have an “I saw something in your smile” idea.  But in all honesty it was kind of a “sexy smile” and the topic might get mildly racy.  I have my “happy thoughts jar entry in my head.  But we kind of need to get that jar first.  There are a few more, so I will have loads of topics to keep things going.  But currently none have that “Valentine” feel.

We both make the joke that Valentine’s Day is for amateurs. We certainly are not rookies at this being in love stuff.  It is what we do best of all.  We kind of always have.  I just wonder to this day who really thought that not only would we still be together, but that after 28 years we never had so much a “gap” in our happiness.  Never so much as thought that this wasn’t forever.  Never a doubt that we hadn’t found the perfect pairing of two people who should be together forever.  So taking just ONE day a year and trying to make it “extra special”, well isn’t that what our anniversary is for in March?

But Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love.  So I thought how better to celebrate love by making the day be really special?  So I came up with this plan.  I think it is truly romantic.

We will start the day late in the afternoon.  Because prior to that we just kind do daily stuff, nothing special just daily stuff.  As we got dressed we make sure that fragrances are strategically placed.  Me with my one spray of the scent you love and you making sure that you hit every spot where I like to kiss with your best scent.  Even if that means scenting your hair so I smell you when I kiss your head while we hug.

First up is deciding what to have for dinner.  We may cook.  You may surprise me with an already planned special meal – nachos maybe?  A great new taco recipe?  Chili that knocks my socks off?  It could be something as simple as dialing 773-472-7400 and ordering a pizza.  Or we could go more romantic and do cheese and crackers.

Then we will set the table.  It will be truly special.  It will have some bells and whistling horns.  Ice in glasses.  Cocktails. Everything arranged just perfect.  Each of us with our special seats.

We will listen to music and watch some of our beloved Blackhawks.  We will play cards.  Drink cocktails and enjoy ourselves.  We will celebrate a Kaner goal and a Corey save.  You will have Chelsea Dagger queued up at the perfect time.  We will say “gin” like 20 times.  The score book will grow and grow.

Then we will dance and sing.  Sometimes a slow dance.  Sometimes an upbeat dance.  We will belt out tunes at the top of our lungs.  Singing often to one another and sometimes to entertain the imaginary throngs of people who aren’t really in the room.  (BTW I have a whole blog planned for the “Suddenly I get to sing all these songs to you” aspect of our basement concerts).

When we finally wear out we will head upstairs for a late night snack.  Then head to bed for late night “cuddling”.  Then finally fall asleep in each other’s arms.

The whole night will be about two people being in love with each other.  Two people still wildly attracted to one another.  Spending a romantic evening just being together.  Enjoying each other’s company.  Great conversation, some romantic kisses, dancing, randomly saying “I love you” all night, amazing hugs…..perfection.  A dream date for almost any couple.  One they will talk about for years.  “Oh how we had such a nice time that night.  It was so much fun.  We laughed and danced.”…….Valentine’s Day 2016.  Memorable forever.

Except that in our case, it won’t be “Valentine’s Special”.  It will be like oh say a Tuesday.  Or a Thursday.

Why?  Because in our world February 14^th really IS for amateurs.  We don’t need a special day each year to have a perfect date with each other.  We don’t need a day to “step up our” game.  We are in love every day.  We celebrate it often.  We “date” all the time.  We celebrate Valentine’s Day every day.  As it should be when you love someone so much.

So Happy Sunday my love.  Happy Tuesday and Thursday.  I will let Hallmark know they need a new line of romantic cards.  It is time to celebrate our love again.  Time to smile and laugh with each other.  Time to kiss and hug.  Time to desire one another.  Time to care about each other.  Time to enjoy being with the one true love of your life.  It is always that time with you my life long Valentine.

You are the love of my life.  A reason to celebrate every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day, will you be mine ONE MORE TIME?

You’re the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.