So your phone call really bothered me. How could we forget? How could it pass with no mention? How did I forget? This isn't just some normal marriage. Not some normal romance. Not some normal relationship.
This cannot happen.
Sure we have numerous anniversaries. March 25. June 11. October 31. Any day near the Thanksgiving holiday. I think we may have more. We have them all for a reason. A relationship this good needs numerous days of recognition and celebration.
This cannot happen.
We missed an anniversary. And an important one. We both missed it. We both realized the next day we missed it. A sad day in our relationship. A mistake of epic proportions.
This cannot happen.
So why I thought. There has to be some really good reason why the date was overlooked. Puppies? Holidays? Looking election results? Nothing. Nothing is an excuse.
This cannot happen.
"When sickness turns my ego up, I know you'll act as a clever medicine. If I turn into another. Dig me up from what is covering. The better part of me." We should listen to our own lyrics. WE should be the import ant part of any day. Not life distractions. Not kids. Not puppies. Not work or companies. US. Simply US.
This cannot happen.
At any moment we should have been celebrating together. A perfect hug to remind us that after 30 years together, "WE" are what is important. A soft unexpected kiss and a "happy 30 years since...." comment. A held hand and a squeeze that sends so much love through us that we are instantly reminded of 30 years of happiness.
This cannot happen.
We should have told first apartment stories. Recalled the fact that our first movie back together was a bit "non-romantic", but it has remained as classic as us. Each story reminding each of us that for the past 30 years, our lives are one life. None of that happened.
This cannot happen.
I am truly sorry my love. You deserved better than that from me. I don't want you to have normal wife expectations of me. I want to be your Superman. I failed.
This cannot happen.
And it never will again.
You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
Comfort Food
So I get yet another week of waiting. I live in the world of "knowing" and not knowing causes me great angst.
However, somehow I found this angel who keeps me safe from all harm and knows exactly what I need to feel like nothing bad can ever happen to me. She is comfort.
So last night after the AJ game, we were in the kitchen for meal number 4. I heated up some Farfalle. It is always wonderful. Always tasty and always "exactly what I need". Then it hit me. It is my comfort food. Comfort food perfected by my comfort person.
On Sunday when you told me the girls where coming for dinner the night before my biopsy (and I later found out you invited Chris too), the question became "what should we have". It is always simple. "I want Farfalle" is my reply. It always is. And until now, I always thought it was just because it was my favorite food. But it is more than that.
Suddenly I was remembering every "important" gathering for our family. Guess what shows up more often than not? Farfalle. Why? Because it is a safe food. It is a delicious food. It never lets you down. You can always count on it to "be there for you". And somehow we always go back to it. When we need comfort, Farfalle is always there for us.
It is Rozell Family Comfort food.
Now, lets not give the meal itself all the credit. Farfalle is you my love. You are the comfort. You are the "always there". It just comes in the form of a delicious meal. Warms our hearts. Fills our voids. Take our minds off whatever we want to forget. Holds our hand through whatever we need hand holding through.
I slept fine Sunday night. Love from my girls at dinner. My wife right next to me. Life as it should be. My belly was full and my heart was full of "comfort food".
Thank you my love.
You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
However, somehow I found this angel who keeps me safe from all harm and knows exactly what I need to feel like nothing bad can ever happen to me. She is comfort.
So last night after the AJ game, we were in the kitchen for meal number 4. I heated up some Farfalle. It is always wonderful. Always tasty and always "exactly what I need". Then it hit me. It is my comfort food. Comfort food perfected by my comfort person.
On Sunday when you told me the girls where coming for dinner the night before my biopsy (and I later found out you invited Chris too), the question became "what should we have". It is always simple. "I want Farfalle" is my reply. It always is. And until now, I always thought it was just because it was my favorite food. But it is more than that.
Suddenly I was remembering every "important" gathering for our family. Guess what shows up more often than not? Farfalle. Why? Because it is a safe food. It is a delicious food. It never lets you down. You can always count on it to "be there for you". And somehow we always go back to it. When we need comfort, Farfalle is always there for us.
It is Rozell Family Comfort food.
Now, lets not give the meal itself all the credit. Farfalle is you my love. You are the comfort. You are the "always there". It just comes in the form of a delicious meal. Warms our hearts. Fills our voids. Take our minds off whatever we want to forget. Holds our hand through whatever we need hand holding through.
I slept fine Sunday night. Love from my girls at dinner. My wife right next to me. Life as it should be. My belly was full and my heart was full of "comfort food".
Thank you my love.
You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Us my love, just us.
I find it a bit odd that the day before our wedding anniversary we are "apart" for 6 hours. 29 years of marriage and dealing with "apart" is something that requires effort. That's a good and bad thing I guess. But while you were away I got to do this.
I started thinking about the brevity of our actual wedding ceremony. The fact that in essence, while the hick judge is a great story, the whole event is kind of representative of our relationship to be. That the event itself was really just a moment we shared together, that no one really knew was happening, that we didn't announce to the world, and that our witnesses were random strangers is almost a sign of how our life would be together.
That we left the courthouse and went to the zoo - again just the two of us - and walked around as a celebration. That we didn't rush home and call our parents or that we really didn't even let them in on our nuptials. Is again just a sign of how things were to be in "Jim and Tracy" world.
Our wedding became just another of a zillion moments that we have shared together. And really by together I mean just the two of us. A lifetime together of thinking about how each moment affected each of us. About how we would together remember the moments. It was, as the past 29 years have been, just about us.
I love Us. I really do. It's amazing how close we are. How important we are to each other. How in love we are every day.
We have perfected Us. A relationship so centered around two people. How we make each other feel. How safe we are together. How secretly romantic every move we make is together. I don't really think even we understand how "sweet" what we have is together. Not goofy sweet, but genuine sweet. Like a childlike crush that goes on and on. A puppy love that never grows up. A prom date that looks that beautiful every day. A true showing of love.
Us is silly and fun. It laughs and makes jokes. Ever stop to think about how many inside jokes we have? How many things that we say just because we know it will make the other one smile? Or laugh inside. Or give the other a "look" across a room of people? You are away now and I know I could text you 3-4 things that would make you smile. Remember the time you were at the baby shower? And at the same time, we texted each other the lyric from "Dig"? The exact same lyric? Or when we both guess the same "M" book title?
Us is an amazing success story. Look at where we are right now. How we are rewarded for believing in each other. For completely trusting one another to make sure everything is ok and will be ok. We have managed to defeat every obstacle in our way. We slew dragons and fought the fires. We became super-heroes together. All because two people understand how important they can be to each other and how "we'll always have each other. When everything else is gone".
Us has blessed so many. I really hope that all of the young people who have been around us realize just how good we are at being Us. How easy it can be and how rewarding it will always be for them. I hope they see us hold hands at the right time. I hope the see how we support each other no matter what. I hope they see that we love each because we actually love each other and not because it was the enxt thing to do in life. We give lots of stuff, but I really hope this is how they see us. I can only hope that we have taught them how to be truly happy together.
So today we celebrate us. With a big fancy dinner. Flowers. Some sleeping in each other's arms. So kissing. Some treating ourselves to our special day.
Becuase on March 26th, we will wake up even happier. It will still be our special day. Because as always, it will be all about Us. But for today, Happy Anniversary my love. 29 years. Best decision ever.
You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
I started thinking about the brevity of our actual wedding ceremony. The fact that in essence, while the hick judge is a great story, the whole event is kind of representative of our relationship to be. That the event itself was really just a moment we shared together, that no one really knew was happening, that we didn't announce to the world, and that our witnesses were random strangers is almost a sign of how our life would be together.
That we left the courthouse and went to the zoo - again just the two of us - and walked around as a celebration. That we didn't rush home and call our parents or that we really didn't even let them in on our nuptials. Is again just a sign of how things were to be in "Jim and Tracy" world.
Our wedding became just another of a zillion moments that we have shared together. And really by together I mean just the two of us. A lifetime together of thinking about how each moment affected each of us. About how we would together remember the moments. It was, as the past 29 years have been, just about us.
I love Us. I really do. It's amazing how close we are. How important we are to each other. How in love we are every day.
We have perfected Us. A relationship so centered around two people. How we make each other feel. How safe we are together. How secretly romantic every move we make is together. I don't really think even we understand how "sweet" what we have is together. Not goofy sweet, but genuine sweet. Like a childlike crush that goes on and on. A puppy love that never grows up. A prom date that looks that beautiful every day. A true showing of love.
Us is silly and fun. It laughs and makes jokes. Ever stop to think about how many inside jokes we have? How many things that we say just because we know it will make the other one smile? Or laugh inside. Or give the other a "look" across a room of people? You are away now and I know I could text you 3-4 things that would make you smile. Remember the time you were at the baby shower? And at the same time, we texted each other the lyric from "Dig"? The exact same lyric? Or when we both guess the same "M" book title?
Us is an amazing success story. Look at where we are right now. How we are rewarded for believing in each other. For completely trusting one another to make sure everything is ok and will be ok. We have managed to defeat every obstacle in our way. We slew dragons and fought the fires. We became super-heroes together. All because two people understand how important they can be to each other and how "we'll always have each other. When everything else is gone".
Us has blessed so many. I really hope that all of the young people who have been around us realize just how good we are at being Us. How easy it can be and how rewarding it will always be for them. I hope they see us hold hands at the right time. I hope the see how we support each other no matter what. I hope they see that we love each because we actually love each other and not because it was the enxt thing to do in life. We give lots of stuff, but I really hope this is how they see us. I can only hope that we have taught them how to be truly happy together.
So today we celebrate us. With a big fancy dinner. Flowers. Some sleeping in each other's arms. So kissing. Some treating ourselves to our special day.
Becuase on March 26th, we will wake up even happier. It will still be our special day. Because as always, it will be all about Us. But for today, Happy Anniversary my love. 29 years. Best decision ever.
You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
30 Times My Valentine
I could be doing a million things right now. But as I often do I find myself thinking about my one true love. The one person in this world I count on for everything. The girl who never lets me down and loves me no matter what. My every day Valentine.
So I thought I would update the blog for you with a quite non-Valentine type post. I will certainly work in some of my overwhelming love for you as often as possible, but I think this post will entertain you.
I have this playlist on my iTunes. I see it every day. I've listened to it a million times. In our basement, there are times when our fans cheer us and the music is so loud. There have been encores, solos, guitar, and harmonica playing. Dancing is a must. But in all honesty, I think of this playlist in one single fashion.
I will forward to the car. The one place where every person in this world is comfortable enough to be a rock star. Where a person can feel so "away from it all" they can sing at the top of their lungs and have their own little concert. No one would ever allow anyone else into this world. It is largely a solo and private endeavor.
Unless of course, you have a Valentine like mine. A person who I never feel self-conscious around. A person who I can always be me around. A person who loves me so much, I am never an embarrassment. I am never lame or ridiculous. A person who just wants to enjoy as many moments together as we can possibly cram into this life. One with the same goals, dreams, and desires I have.
My one true love. My lifetime valentine.
The playlist contains 15 songs. So I thought I'd list them - in order of a normal setlist - and tell you what the songs mean to me and our rock concerts.
15. Hold On Loosely - 38 Special. - I have no idea how this song got on this list. We question it often. But at some point, we must have rocked the crap out of it. And it does make you smile.
14. Pride - U2. - Also, one we have only done a few times. When the concert runs long and your fans are clamoring for more, this is a filler.
12-13. Tiny Dancer, Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word - Elton John. EJ songs are your solo songs, I don't really participate and we generally skip them. But if we ever get that piano......
11. Thunder Island - Jay Ferguson. - Well everyone needs a little Jay Ferguson every now and then right?
10. The Best of Times - Styx. There are times when I just watch you wail on this song. You can completely rock it and I get to play some real rock guitar.
9. Shimmer - Fuel. - A show starter more often than not. Get us in the mood so to speak. Really a great song and the peak of the lyrics is a total high point for you. Its drunk music if there ever was any.
8. Something Just Like This - Coldplay (ok and the Chainsmokers) - Everyone loves Coldplay right? This one is one I like to sing to you. I always dreamed of something "just like this". You made my dreams come true, so I sing it to you. (Side note - you almost always refill a drink or something during my singing).
7. Ship of Fools - World Party. - I just like to sing this song. But what I like most is the swaying dancing you always do without knowing it. Then at the end, you sing the guitar solo and the fans go wild.
6. Piano Man - Billy Joel. - I sing and you rock the harmonica. Remember the time you yelled, "OMG you really know all the words!"?
5. That Girl Could SIng - JB. - Nevermore disappointed in my life when he failed to play this at his concert. But watching you sing and me knowing just "how well you sing" always gets me a little excited.
4. Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessionals. - Of all the songs we rock together this one is at or near the top. We wail on the chorus. Every once in a while we sing it twice. "Your hair is everywhere....." #awesome
3. Dancing in the Moonlight - Toploaders. - Truth be told. Neither of us in the best of shape and this song requires that. The dancing is amazing. The song is fun to sing, but man is it long. You are always as sexy as you can be dancing to this one.
2. Dig - Incubus. - Our "new" song. A story of us. The reason I know my life has a purpose. I totally "Dig" you. The lyrics define our basement concerts. We will always be here for each other. I'll never doubt that. "At least we dig each". No matter what either of us does for the rest of our lives, I know the "better part of us". We'll always have each other - when everything else is gone. I make sure I touch your face at least once during the song - to remind you how much I dig you.
1. Disco Apocalypse - JB. - Your total Jam. The song the fans all call for. A double encore of sorts. You rock the chorus and the high notes. You know every word. It's a deep cut and your complete concert highlight. You dance, you sing, you smile - you rock.
There you have it, my love. Our setlist in a recap. I don't forget the ad-hoc songs we sing. We often rock some deeper cuts, but this it the main list.
You are my rock concert baby. The performance of my lifetime.
Thank you for being my valentine. Again.
You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
So I thought I would update the blog for you with a quite non-Valentine type post. I will certainly work in some of my overwhelming love for you as often as possible, but I think this post will entertain you.
I have this playlist on my iTunes. I see it every day. I've listened to it a million times. In our basement, there are times when our fans cheer us and the music is so loud. There have been encores, solos, guitar, and harmonica playing. Dancing is a must. But in all honesty, I think of this playlist in one single fashion.
I will forward to the car. The one place where every person in this world is comfortable enough to be a rock star. Where a person can feel so "away from it all" they can sing at the top of their lungs and have their own little concert. No one would ever allow anyone else into this world. It is largely a solo and private endeavor.
Unless of course, you have a Valentine like mine. A person who I never feel self-conscious around. A person who I can always be me around. A person who loves me so much, I am never an embarrassment. I am never lame or ridiculous. A person who just wants to enjoy as many moments together as we can possibly cram into this life. One with the same goals, dreams, and desires I have.
My one true love. My lifetime valentine.
The playlist contains 15 songs. So I thought I'd list them - in order of a normal setlist - and tell you what the songs mean to me and our rock concerts.
15. Hold On Loosely - 38 Special. - I have no idea how this song got on this list. We question it often. But at some point, we must have rocked the crap out of it. And it does make you smile.
14. Pride - U2. - Also, one we have only done a few times. When the concert runs long and your fans are clamoring for more, this is a filler.
12-13. Tiny Dancer, Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word - Elton John. EJ songs are your solo songs, I don't really participate and we generally skip them. But if we ever get that piano......
11. Thunder Island - Jay Ferguson. - Well everyone needs a little Jay Ferguson every now and then right?
10. The Best of Times - Styx. There are times when I just watch you wail on this song. You can completely rock it and I get to play some real rock guitar.
9. Shimmer - Fuel. - A show starter more often than not. Get us in the mood so to speak. Really a great song and the peak of the lyrics is a total high point for you. Its drunk music if there ever was any.
8. Something Just Like This - Coldplay (ok and the Chainsmokers) - Everyone loves Coldplay right? This one is one I like to sing to you. I always dreamed of something "just like this". You made my dreams come true, so I sing it to you. (Side note - you almost always refill a drink or something during my singing).
7. Ship of Fools - World Party. - I just like to sing this song. But what I like most is the swaying dancing you always do without knowing it. Then at the end, you sing the guitar solo and the fans go wild.
6. Piano Man - Billy Joel. - I sing and you rock the harmonica. Remember the time you yelled, "OMG you really know all the words!"?
5. That Girl Could SIng - JB. - Nevermore disappointed in my life when he failed to play this at his concert. But watching you sing and me knowing just "how well you sing" always gets me a little excited.
4. Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessionals. - Of all the songs we rock together this one is at or near the top. We wail on the chorus. Every once in a while we sing it twice. "Your hair is everywhere....." #awesome
3. Dancing in the Moonlight - Toploaders. - Truth be told. Neither of us in the best of shape and this song requires that. The dancing is amazing. The song is fun to sing, but man is it long. You are always as sexy as you can be dancing to this one.
2. Dig - Incubus. - Our "new" song. A story of us. The reason I know my life has a purpose. I totally "Dig" you. The lyrics define our basement concerts. We will always be here for each other. I'll never doubt that. "At least we dig each". No matter what either of us does for the rest of our lives, I know the "better part of us". We'll always have each other - when everything else is gone. I make sure I touch your face at least once during the song - to remind you how much I dig you.
1. Disco Apocalypse - JB. - Your total Jam. The song the fans all call for. A double encore of sorts. You rock the chorus and the high notes. You know every word. It's a deep cut and your complete concert highlight. You dance, you sing, you smile - you rock.
There you have it, my love. Our setlist in a recap. I don't forget the ad-hoc songs we sing. We often rock some deeper cuts, but this it the main list.
You are my rock concert baby. The performance of my lifetime.
Thank you for being my valentine. Again.
You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
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