I plan for these things dear. Things I want to say to you in this
blog. Things I want you to hear without
me saying them. Things I know that while
reading them you are completely focused on reading the words as I intended
them.
This one has bouncing around my head for about 6 months.
Consider it three separate posts, but an intertwined topic
of sorts.
“How do you make a family”
In the history of abrupt proposals, instant weddings and
found marriages, we probably are king and queen. They will tell a brief story of how we met, a
romantic kiss, an abrupt (but brief) pause and a rekindling of a relationship
based on “perfect timing”. Our courtship
is a fantasy story. I find it truly
romantic. There is likely a full chapter
on the courage I mustered for our first kiss.
A courage I had never had, but a launching point to me being courageous
for the rest of my life.
Stories of our engagement will be very different. Talk about abrupt. No two people ever likely went from just back
together to married in such a whirlwind amount of time. But that story has been told many times. I am happy to re-tell it together over
cocktails any evening with you.
But this post had a different intention.
Most people who date, engage and wed each other have at least
ONE conversation about their views on a family together. What they see in the future. How many kids. Girls of boys. Names, numbers, etc. But as a rack my brains, I can honestly NEVER
remember a single mention of it in our relationship. I honestly don’t even remember us discussing
whose apartment we would inhabit together.
Honestly, in a sad side note, it makes me feel worse for the
lack of proper engagement activities I provided you with, but again not this
tale right now.
So how did we plan our family? What did we intend to do? And most
importantly, how did we wind up doing it so well? I am going with “Elfin Magic” until you tell
me differently.
I know there is the story of me telling your already pregnant
self to get off your lazy ass and get pregnant.
But honestly, I think, had you told me that day you were pregnant I
would have entered a panic attack never seen before by humans. I was so happy
when I actually found out, because I guess my intended funny comment finally
broke the ice of us talking about kids. Because
before that I really do not ever remember them being mentioned.
I guess we jumped quickly into what “kind” of babies we
wanted. Boys or girls. Given your satiated life of boy babies at the
time, I figure that “girl” was the obvious choice. Honestly, I had never once in my life considered
did I want boy or girl children. I am
really trying to think if I had ever considered having kids before I met you.
Getting lucky with a Kendall baby probably made the choice
and result easy to accept. A dream comes
true. Ok, now she is here. We have a girl!
So how are we going to raise her? Again, a conversation that never
happened. Have you ever watched one of
those teenage movies where the two ill-prepared kids have a “mom and dad”
conversation? “My son will play football
and hunt with me!”. “My daughter will
never date! Not until she is 30!” No
instance of you imagining how she will dress, or what kind of hair she will
have. No talk of how we will educate our
kids. What kinds of things we will be
hard about and those that we will be relaxed about. Nothing baby.
Never happened.
Since, neither of us carry that overt “I will be better than
my parents” anger. They don’t deserve
any kind of credit for us. We are left with two people who had probably done a decent
job of raising ourselves (despite our missteps of youth) with no real game plan. Two people, who by all accounts, are smarter
than most people. Two people with a
disproportionate amount of “life” experience at young ages. But, where did we get our parenting style.
I have really, really tried hard to remember us talking
about it. Nothing comes to mind. If I am
wrong my love, please refresh my memory.
I‘d love to rekindle that discussion over cocktails.
With nothing to go off, I figured out that we have basically
three premises that we followed that led us to the glorious family we have
built. Now imagine for a second that
your “sappy” husband just sobbing in his office. Our family is glorious.
The three premises:
1)
Do no harm.
Seems simple right. So long as nothing we do intentionally causes
anyone else harm. We are doing the right
thing.
Even when we didn’t have a plan. Even when we really didn’t understand what
was happening to us. Even when we think
we simply will never get beyond what is currently at issue. We do the right thing.
We keep it between us. Because what we do, how we do it and what
results we get are no one else’s business.
We win some, we lose some. We succeed;
we fail. But no matter what, it was
always done with the best intentions and with the best understanding of what we
had available to us.
We teach the kids this too. We teach them that our imperfect life is
perfect for us. Things will come at us, but we will just take it all in and do
what is best for us so long as it harms no one else. No matter how hard it is to take the easy
road, we never do. We will do the right
thing. Some may not agree, we may not
even agree. But we do the right thing.
Premise one. It is premise one for a reason. It isn’t just how we raised our kids my
love. It is how we raised ourselves. It is how we raised each other. Premise one is the strongest asset we have.
2)
We will always protect first, figure things out
second.
Ah, the “mama bear” aspect. I know I get a ton of credit for being a good
hugger. It is flattering and I like that
it is true. But your hug? It has been wrapped around “your family” for
so long and so hard, we have all taken it for granted.
Protect first. Always protect first. Make sure safety is felt. Comfort is present. Love is both present and felt. Make sure that the family is safe place
number one. That no matter what it is
where we can all come to feel safe, loved and welcome.
Protect first. Even when that protection feels wrong. Even when it doesn’t seem enough. Even when you felt for a moment it wasn’t
there no matter how hard you tried. Even
when protecting us doesn’t feel like protection.
Maybe the wisest parental quote you
ever had was “you only get one chance at making a wrong decision with your kids”. It is so true. But it is just luck most of the time. But as they say, you make your own luck. Being as protective as we were created a lot
of luck in our favor. Ironically, the
girls don’t seem scarred from our protect first approach. It may have caused them a few frustrating moments,
but they seem to have come through fine.
And remember my love, that our
protect first strategy always worked.
Even the one time we think it didn’t work. It did.
We all survived that time. The alternative could have been worse. Much worse.
Why? Well that’s part two of our protect
first staregy. Figure things out second.
The figure things out part always
seemed harder. Maybe because our protect
first portion was more rigid than other parents would have done. But parenting isn’t a competition, so one
keeps score.
I won’t dwell on the figure it out
second part. That part is really just
life from day to day. But I can
guarantee you this one thing. We were all
always safe, loved and welcomed while we figured it out.
3)
When all else fails, remember that we always
have each other to lean on.
This part is easy. Make a family that knows – always – that you
are here for them. Unconditionally
present. Undisputedly available. The safe place you know you can always go.
What is not so easy is having to
know that while we are here for you always, we may not always agree with what
brought you here. It is like the “bank
of the family”. Support and love are
always present. They are always
here. But you must contribute to be able
to make a withdraw. And as a withdrawer,
you must know that the contributors will expect you to be forthright about your
support needs.
At Maureen’s house yesterday, Brian
was talking about it being “ok that the Badgers lost”. I laughed at him and said, no it isn’t. Losing is never a good outcome. He laughed at me. So I said that his line of thinking was akin
to me “expecting my kid” to graduate high school. He said, “what’s wrong with that”. My response was that I had much higher
expectations of my kids and they know that wouldn’t have been enough. He agreed that you and I always have high expectations
of people. In a good way. I told him we have equally high expectations
of ourselves.
But here we are for each
other. Always present. “There is a room
for you Megan”. “I’ll be there in 5
minutes Kendall”. “Of course we will watch
the babies”. “Yes, I can help you out this month”. “I am stopping by because you just seem to
need a hug”. It amazes me how easy it
all happens. It also amazes me the
respect we all have for each other when it comes to needing someone to lean
on. As I said before, it is glorious.
We have somehow all figured out our
irreplaceable roles within our family. We
find roles for every new member, and we respect every new member.
“When all else fails”? Well, it only partially applies to us. Why do you ask? In the Rozell families’ arms “all” can never
fail. We are still here. As a huge part of your “all”.
“How do you grow a family”?
Well now that we got the 4 of us
settled. Megan, BTW, simply had to be a
girl. I am not sure we would have wound
up here without her being our baby girl.
A boy would have been a disruption.
I still believe it.
Yet, we didn’t stop at the 4 of
us. We again, somehow learned that
family didn’t stop at bloodlines. That
there were other people who exist who can provide – even if only for short
times – things our family needed at the time.
And in reverse, there were ways for us to share what our family
represents with others who needed something.
Can you imagine it sweetie? Let’s say 24 yr old Jim and 21 yr old Tracy
are sitting around talking about how we will one day serve as role models for
others. That we would be the kind of
people others looked up to and relied upon. We would have both laughed our asses off and
secretly thought “what kind of fool would trust us”?
Yet here we are. 36 years later. 36 years of doing no harm, protecting first
and being there for each other. 36 years
of the simplest approach to life two people could have ever imagined.
This part is just for our eyes (yet
somehow, I know it will get read). It
sounds egotistical. It sounds arrogant and
boastful. Over the top even. All things that don’t really describe us, but
I am about to pat us on the back.
We are special my love. Almost compelling. After 36 years, this isn’t simply luck. This
isn’t something we stumbled upon. It
wasn’t karma or fate. It was us. It was two people who trust so deeply in the
other one to “be there with love” that nothing else ever seemed bigger than we
were.
Sure, we got ourselves in trouble. People do that. But we always come out on top. Who measures “on top”? Who cares.
It is always the spot where we are together. It is that simple.
We have become so adept at being in
love with each other and being there for each other, we have shifted to being
teachers about love. We have become a
lifelong love story. A fairy tale with an
on-going happy ending. A rom com where
they always what show what happened tomorrow.
And the next day. And the net
day.
We have taught each other so much. About love, life, trust, belief and
safety. Last night as you fell asleep
after two nights of poor sleep, you laid your head on my shoulder. You grabbed my hand, and I gently pulled it
back because it was in an uncomfortable position. Then you hummed. A hum of comfort. A hum of safety. A hum of love. I moved my hand back into yours. For the next 45 minutes we never moved. You fell asleep. My arm hurt, but I wasn’t moving.
So, what grows a family? Having two people at the top of the family
who exude love. Who makes you feel
comfortable. Who embraces you for who you are.
So, the answer is simple. We do my love. “We” grow a family.
There is a line a Damien Rice song
that goes, “And if all you are is not all that you desire, then come. Come as you are”. I feel like somehow – and this is bragging –
we make other people feel better. So,
they come.
It’s us baby. Like some kind of superpower.
“What is next?”
This is why I never got around to
typing this all up. Parts one and two
flowed out of me easily. “What is next”? Well, to be brief, it simply doesn’t.
I know I spend a ton of my time these
days worried about what is next. How
does one day become the next and that day become another. And honestly, I don’t know why. And trust me, I try hard to think why this
has suddenly become important to me.
Yet, days keep rolling in. Each one is wonderful. Each one has so much to be joyful for. Each one has you and me at the end of the
night finding our way up to bed and into each other’s warm embrace.
And yet somehow as I type all of
this up, I suddenly feel better.
Why? Because as it stands, we
have made it now 36 years without some master plan for the future. We largely have been “fly the seat of your
pants” people by default. Not in a bad
way, but in a “tomorrow will be here, I’ll deal with it when it gets here but let’s
not miss enjoying today” kind of way. It
sounds so immature and selfish, doesn’t it?
It sounds irresponsible and
risky. It sounds crazy and foolish.
But oh, my love has it been fun. Hasn’t every day been wonderful? Have we not learned something new about ourselves
and our super power every day for 36 years.
All while smiling and laughing. All
while being there for the other like no one has ever been there for someone before.
If you re-read this entire post, it
is a message of our faith. A reminder
that we never wavered in our love and approach to life. It isn’t faith in God. Although we have grown to appreciate that
over the years. It is faith in us. Faith that so long as we follow the tenets of
our lives and remain committed to this amazing love story. Then, well, who the
fuck cares what’s next? It will come and
it too will be wonderful. No need to try
and control it. It will all take care of
itself.
So tonight, we shall dance to one
of our songs. Because in retrospect, it
sums it all up. No worries, I’ll turn it
on at the right time.
“I’m everything I am, because you loved
me”
Happy Anniversary my love. My god I love you so much.
You’re the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.
