Answering all those pryaers....

I know it has been a while since I posted to the blog.  It really hurt me to that you really notice the lack of posts and that it bothers you.  This one has been in my head for some time - but typing something so personal requires some privacy to do so, and I haven't really been in places where that has been true much the past month.

I read this article about how much bandwidth would be required to have god answer every prayer from every person.  The writer estimated that people pray to god nearly 5 times a day.  Interestingly, he was aware that nearly 80% of those prayers are not for thanks, not for comfort, but rather "requests" to have god give or provide something to the person making the prayer.

I started thinking that while I am not a man a great faith, I do - thanks to you - have a strong faith in belief.  You have finally turned me around to the higher power theory.  Because of you I know there is a plan for us all and that someone with greater influence than those of us on earth is in charge of that plan.  Even with that, I realized that I - unlike the rest of the population - never pray to have something provided for me.  I tried very hard to remember the last time I did so.  I think I figured out when that actual date was and even figured out what I asked god to give to me.

My prayer involved me asking god to make sure that I was never alone.  That I would always have someone to talk to and share my life.  That no matter what i did I was going to do it for more than just my sake, but rather for the sake of someone else.  That no matter what came along - good or bad - we would be sharing the outcomes together.

My prayer to god included me asking him to make me happy.  That everyday I had something to live for and that I would never feel sad.  That something joyful would be a part of my day - every day - and that that joy would extended itself to me.  That I would have a reason to smile and that my smile would be real.

My prayer also added that I be able to make someone else happy.  That I could pay him back for the happiness he provided me by making someone else smile.  It was, I guess kind of a deal I was making.  God if you give me this....I promise to....

My prayer was that I would have have a family of my own.  That my family would be wonderful.  We would all love each other and be grateful for one another.  We would be very close and want to share our love for each other no matter what happened.

My prayer was that someone would love me forever.  That I would be able to hold their hand forever.  That we would have a love so strong that nothing could come between us.

I remember now the day I made this prayer.  I remember thinking to myself that it was so much to ask.  I remember thinking that it was likely very selfish of me to request so much at one time.  I was young, not sure where I was headed and certain that none of my request would ever come true.  But like the million/billions of others the article referred to - I made my request.  In my defense, it wasn't like I asked for a new car or a big deposit to my bank account.  Those kind of request have to be ignored by god.  Just like the other in the article I am sure that just making the prayer was the biggest part of the result.  Getting the request off your chest is apparently most of the power of god.  It wasn't like it would really be answered right?

I guess I was wrong.  God did answer my prayers.  God did give me everything I wanted.  He didn't even make me wait to have each request answered separately.  He answered my prayers with in one big fantastic way - he put you into my life.

You made me never be alone,  you made me happy and able to share my happiness, you helped me have a family and made that family perfect, you gave me someone to love forever and love me forever.  God answered my prayers.  He answered them perfectly.  You are the answer to my prayers.  How could I ever even think to ask again.  What could top that?  So for the past almost 25 years, I haven't really needed to make one of those prayers like the billions of others.  Mine had already been answered.  Asking for another would just be selfish.  God already did his best work for me.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Dating Again

I feel really bad that it has been so long since I last posted.  The past few weeks have been a blur for me.  I have some stress to deal with, we have been busy with family and at work I never seem to find time in my day.  However, I love you so much and I know you deserve better.

The girls go home this weekend and our new city-mate will soon be finding his own way.  So that means we are going to start having time with just us again.  I love that time.  So because it is a "new year" (I missed that post too), I figured I would use this to tell you a few things I am looking forward to in our 2012.

For the first time we are going to have a proper Valentines date.  I can't really remember us ever doing that over the years. But this year it will be filled with a fancy dinner (one you get o dress up for - because I LOVE THAT), flowers, candy and maybe even a surprise "event".  It is kind of a shame that we haven't used the international day of romance to show the world how much we love each other.  So Chicago beware! The two most in love people in the world are hitting the streets on the night of love.  The city may never be the same.

I'd like to take a quick weekend trip together.  Not too far - we don't even have to fly.  Just a Friday / Saturday night trip to someplace that will pamper you properly.  Maybe a return to the American Club in Kohler.  Maybe we finally get to Mackinack Island.  Maybe a romantic B&B off the shores of Laek Michigan during blueberry season.  Who knows.  It might be a great idea to to tie it to our 23rd wedding anniversary (yup 23 years) in March or maybe we wait for better weather.  However, it will be just us.  It will be relaxing.  It will be romantic.  It will be memorable.

I am really enjoying this "going out Fridays" routine we have suddenly started.  So this year we are going to have to continue it as much as possible.  We might even be regulars at Pippins - maybe even known by name!  We have like a thousand bars we can hit, a million restaurants and hundreds of places to eat 4AM breakfast.  Then we can spend Saturday just recovering, relaxing and hanging out.

This summer I want to spend as many Sunday's at zoo's, parks and beaches as possible.  We have a world of places to have picnics (finally going to use that basket!), get some sun, have some ice cream (5 ingredients only worked huh?), a lemonade, an adult beverage...you name it.  We are going to take advantage of the city we have in front of us.

So there are the plans.  I didn't get much past summer, because we might not be int he city after that.  But that is what I would like to do.

All of these things have one thing in common.  We do them together.  Hand in hand.  Arm in arm.  A Kiss here and a hug there.  It is like we found the fountain of youth.  We get to live our younger dating lives all over again.  You were the best girlfriend ever in 1988, the best new bride in 1989 and the perfect wife and mother every subsequent year.  Now we get to start doing dating things again.  We get to make new memories, create new funny stories.  We get to start a new romance with each other, even though we are already hopelessly in love.

I can't wait.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Merry Christmas Baby!

December 25, 2011

(This is our 24^th Christmas Together!)

t. –

Merry Christmas my love. I can’t believe that this year went by so quickly. It seems like only yesterday we were preparing for Meg’s graduation. I can’t imagine a year in our near quarter of a century together where so much has changed. We became empty nester’s, we moved to a whole new city and we did all we could to manage the overwhelming amount of disruption to our lives. Most important, like always we did it all together. No matter how stressful things got, no matter how sad we were at times, no matter how excited we got over this or that – we did it together.

This holiday season has just seemed out of sorts the entire time. No chatty girls around all the time, no house to decorate, limited space, limited resources, etc. Yet somehow I know that when we wake up on December 26^th, it will be a memorable and fantastic Christmas that we will remember as fondly as we have the past 23 Christmases. It will be a Christmas of transition to a new way of managing our family. One we didn’t quite prepare for the right way, but in the end you will have made it amazing.

So with that in mind, I figured I would tell you what Christmas will be like for the next near quarter of a century. I did Christmas past, present and future a few years ago in this letter, but this year I am going to give you a “glimpse” of what Grandma Tracy Christmases will be like for years to come.

First of all, I will get you that “stop the car Uncle Frank” house just as soon as I possibly can. It is where you were born to be during this holiday season. How could I have missed that all these years? I mean I married a girl who did basement Christmas concerts in JULY when she was kid. Who better to have a house literally designed to be decorated for the holidays. So read the rest of this letter with that picture in your mind. A house with ceilings tall enough to put up 12 foot trees. Mantles galore adorned with stockings for our girls, their spouses and all of the grandkids. A staircase lined with whatever seasonal decoration meets your fancy that year. Fireplaces in every room imaginable each with crackling logs for warmth and that seasonal smell. I promise you it will be yours.

The Christmas holiday will need more than one day for certain. A single day won’t do for all of the traditions we will need to honor. The girls and their families (ok I cried at just typing that) will arrive a few days early. The first day you will leave me at home with husbands and grandkids while you and the girls go have lunch together. You will spend hours catching up (you know on all the stuff that happened on their flight/drive in – since you talked to them at length the day before anyway) while you are reminded how proud you are of them. How happy their lives turned out as perfectly as you had hoped. How happy they are and how loved and respected they are by their husbands and kids. Meanwhile, I will be pulling out the hundreds of toys you have picked up over the years to entertain the grandkids on visits and playing on the floor in a room somewhere. The girls husbands will be watching TV and catching up on their latest business endeavors and sports. It won’t be much catching up though, because the girls are still so close that their husbands are likely good friends anyway. But they get a chance to relax and I get to PLAY!

We will all go out for dinner somewhere nice. Then come home and it is your turn to revel in your grandkids. They can’t get enough of being with you. They want to tell you everything. Who their friends are, what they do at school, what their favorite color is, what their dog (well Sadie anyway) did that was funny, how soccer is going, how ballet was – you name it. Most of it isn’t that big of news to you, since you likely were at most of those events anyway. But hearing their excitement is the only gift you need. You put them all to bed very late, because they simply had so much to tell you – and you simply had to hear it all.

The next morning everyone goes last minute shopping. You help the grandkids buy “mommy and daddy” gifts, you help them wrap them, and get the under one of the many trees. Then you all start baking some cookies. Likely the candy canes that Megan loves so much or some new recipe our now very experienced baker Meg has concocted. You know the one her and her kids saved “just for grandma”. Kendall, meanwhile, helps with dinner. She brings a new specialty to you as well. One her and her kids make all the time that they are dying to share with grandma as well. We finish the night with a cinema-fest of your favorite Christmas movies. All of us crammed on to the couches, floors and chairs as a huge family. Watching into the night. Again you put everyone to bed, smile and hold my hand as we head off to our own bed.

On Christmas Eve day, we make sure we hit a show or the Nutcracker. Just like we have done for years. To get there of course you have to spend tons of time dressing the grandkids in the new outfits you got them just for the shows. You fix hair, out on dresses, sweaters, etc. They look perfect. The grandkids argue about who gets to sit next to you at the show. So at intermission the whole row is re-arranged to avoid conflict and to be fair. I of course, wish I could sit next you, but I take the seat just between my girls. After the show we all hit Starbucks for some hot chocolate. Then we head back home for a fine Italian meal – likely your famous lasagna or farfalle. It turns out that the girls husbands are secretly requesting that you make both every year and every year you make both.

That night you get to watch more Christmas movies and read “Twas the Night Before Christmas” to everyone. More fireplace action, more crowding onto couches, chairs and floors and more time with grandma. Finally, you and the girls take all of the kids outside to feed reindeer and see if they can see Santa or Rudolph. Local airplanes provide some magic for you and then you rush them off to bed. Everyone is giddy with excitement for the next morning. All of us parents spend time getting the gifts perfectly placed (and perfectly balanced by count) under the tree. Santa is – as always – really good to everyone. We all know who Santa is by now.

Christmas morning we are awakened by grandkids at like 5AM. They get their parents first, but then rush to our room and grab you. The literally drag you downstairs in excitement. I make some coffee, they rip into presents, one after the other with growing excitement. I get as many pictures as I can for the “Christmas book” (this will make more sense later). The play with toys, do fashion shows, call their friends and tell them what they got, etc. We all sit back and in wonderment.

Then the cooking begins. I suspect our turkey will be about 25 lbs and by then we may be sporting 2 of them. Megan starts asking about mashed potatoes and Kendall makes sure the “inside stuffing” has been appropriately apportioned. By luck, both husbands are huge brussel sprout fans. We bust through a few cheese balls and finally hit the table for a perfect meal. Of course, by now we have a real kids table to deal with. So you and I spend ample time jumping up and down to make sure they have everything they need.

The girls and their husbands manage to get the dishes done (it takes 3 hours because Megan and Kendall fight over when to start). Then we break out the cookies. We all cram back onto those couches, chairs and the floor and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” – because it truly is one.

They all stay for a few days more then head home. We both cry because we want nothing more than for them to be there every day – like it was when they were younger. The grandkids cry because they’d much rather stay with you a while longer. The girls cry because they are reminded just how amazing you made their lives. It is the perfect ending to a perfect holiday.

A few days later we all board a plane on our way to Los Angeles to watch the Badgers win the Rose Bowl. Sorry I couldn’t resist.

I hope this is how every holiday goes for you baby. You have spent your whole life preparing for it to happen. It gets closer every day.

You’re the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

Merry Christmas!

Holding Hands

Your comment yesterday made me feel so bad. I am racking my brains to try and understand why I never reached over to hold your hand the whole drive. I can't come up with a reason of any kind. It was a missed opportunity to hold the one hand I'd rather hold over all others.

Holding hands has always been one of my favorite things to do with you. It seems that our hands fit together perfectly. Like they were meant to hold each other.

I think holding hands is the best way for a relationship to bond. Hugs are great, kisses are great, other things are great too. However, holding hands is like a method of expressing love and providing support. Like giving each other the ability to lean on one another. Hand holding so often says things we don't actually need to say aloud.

We have been holding hands for almost a quarter of a century now. Walking hand in hand. Holding hands on the couch when we watch TV. Holding hands at dinner out. Holding hands while we drive in the car. A few times even in bed as we lay down to sleep. Both of our hands, perfectly made for each other.

I picture us as a younger couple walking hand in hand. Our hands swinging a little, like young couples do when they are just completely overwhelmed by their new found love. Swinging hands just a little, because it is as close to yelling "I love you" out loud for the whole world to hear as you can do without causing a scene. A young signal to each other that we didn't ever plan on letting the other go. A future sign of our forever together.

I see us a few years later. Holding hands in a hospital room. Awaiting the birth of our first child (or our second one). Holding hands tightly rather than speaking, because holding hands said exactly what we both wanted to hear. "Our baby is coming, I am so excited! Look what we have done together". Our hands tightly held together with the other hand over the coupled hands as a means of quelling our excitement. But also showing that we did something together. Something special worthy of an excited hand holding.

I see a few more years into the future. Holding hands at the side of our sick child's hospital bed. Holding hands to give each other the strength needed to know that soon everything will be ok. Holding tightly to let each other know that no matter what we are here for each other while give all of our attention to the sick little baby in the bed before us. The having the hand holding change to excited hand holding when we find out for certain that everything is going to be ok.

A few more years pass. We walk hand in hand behind out babies - who are walking hand in hand with each other in front of us. Their hand holding speaks of their trust and love for each other. Ours boasts of how proud of them we are at that very moment. How lucky we are to have them and have each other. How proud we are that we have the amazing little family we made together.

So many other things happen to make us hold hands tightly over the years. Yet we find more and more reasons to hold hands. Even as we start to notice that other couples our age have stopped handing hands. We laugh at how they are missing out. We just go right on holding hands.

Right now I love walking the city streets holding your hand. At times i find myself wanting to swing my arms a little bit, or even grip it a little harder. Using holding your hand to say things to you I don't need to say with words. Our fingers intertwined. Our grip still representing the forever we will share together. Using our held hands to support each other, to show love for one another and as a constant reminder that we are here for each other.

As I look into the future, I see us holding holding hands more gently. For longer periods of time. Needing to be there for each other. Proud hand holding at weddings. Excited hand holding at grand-kids births. Romantic hand holding for every major accomplishment our relationship surpasses. Holding hands for the next 50 years just as we have for the past 25.

How I missed an opportunity yesterday to do something I truly love to do, I have no idea. I am sorry.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

Out of our control

I cant believe that I have never considered this before right now, but it just kind of struck me out of the blue. It must be the song I am listening to or the fact that I miss you so dearly right now. It could be the length of this flight that has me anxious to get home to you like crazy. Who knows why these things strike when they do.

What if neither of our kids find love like we have? What if they are unable to find somebody in their live who will treat them the same way we treat each other? What will we do?

I can't accept that either of them wakes up next to someone who didn't go to bed the night before with the thought that today was another day when he was lucky enough to be with them. I know I go to bed that way every night.

I cant imagine them not having someone turn to them and randomly think to themselves, "oh my god she is beautiful, how lucky am I?". I know it happens to me all he time.

What happens if their husbands travel on business and don't count he minutes until they get home to their arms. What if the cab ride home doesn't make then anxious to see them? What if the flight home seems short instead of like an eternity? I know my trips home seem like the longest Christmas Eve in history.

How sad will it be if they have husbands who would rather spend time on the golf course with their buddies than hang out with them all day doing almost nothing? What if they don't really enjoy making spending time with them a priority? What if time together is just like any other time? I know my time is always best spent with you.

What if hey have just ordinary relatioships? With ordinary people? What if people aren't jealous of their marriages? What if people question why they are together? What if they don't look and act like they are perfect for each other? I know we are perfect for each other and people who see us together know it immediately. I can't even count how many random strangers have made comments about it to us. What if they never have those moments.

I know we can't hand pick spouses for them, but it sure would be nice. Then again no one would have picked us for each other and look how we turned out. I think we have found the saddest thing in our girls lives that we have no control over. We can't fix it for them if they don't do it right. We can only hope they get it right on their own.

We can only hope they find love "like we do" Which by the way is the song that prompted all of this. Funny how these things work huh?

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

Turkey Day

Only a few more days until we carve the bird. The smells of food will permeate the house. I'll get stuffed beyond belief and still find room for a piece of pie. Oh I love Thanksgiving day!

I guess this year we start the reluctant process of trying to determine what "future" holidays will be like for our family. What will we do when the girls have other commitments around the holiday? What about their husbands? What about where we have it? Ugh, it was all so simple when they were younger.

I won't make this a long post, because I am on the train and I always feel like people are looking over my shoulder. But I want you to know something and be assured for the rest of your life of something.

It isn't the meal that they will come back for every year. Although you are a turkey day genius.

It isn't the decorations around the house that will make them spend the day at home. Although they always look perfect.

It isn't the table-scape (insert Sandra Lee reference) and how amazing it looks that will have them at the table. Although it gets better every year.

They will make being with us on the holidays a priority because they want to be with you. They want to be with the one person who will always make sure that everything is just as they need it to be for them. The one person who thinks of them before she thinks of herself.

They'll come back for you my love. Every time. Every year. Because they love you more than they can ever imagine. Trust me on that.

Happy Thanksgiving.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

Outlasted....them all

I am sitting on the flight back from DC. It is really the first time in a while I have been able to listen to my iPod for a prolonged period of time. Lots of those songs that remind me of you - but then again I put them there for a reason.

Music sure has changed over the years. But so many of our songs have stood the test of time. How ever it appears that the bands haven't stood the same test. In fact we have outlasted more than a few of the bands that i relied so heavily upon to construct my life long "ode to my love".

A few examples:

Breathe - apparently they never made it past 1991. In fact after they provided us a few songs, they called it quits. Such a shame, they really were a solid band. Not quite as solid as you and I though.

R.E.M. - Sadly they broke up. We should have known that the Micheal Stipe act wasn't as solid as ours. However, they hold a special place in our history and we will always have the lyric "You are here with me/You are here with me/You are here and you are everything". I still remember hearing it in the car on the drive to your sister's house and knowing that having you with me was the right thing. On a side note, R.E.M. made it 31 years together, so we actually will have to catch up to them.

Anita Baker - according to Wikipedia, she officially called it quits in 2007 after a "heavily criticized performance of the National Anthem at the NBA All-Star game". She holds a truly special place for us because to my knowledge she sang the first songs you associated with me - rather than songs I associated with you. Plus man can she sing.

The Style Council - alas, they created a perfect song, we made it ours and they must have figured they could never top that accomplishment. I looked hard for the quote from Paul Wellar (their singer) where he publicly acknowledged that they "could never have more success than creating a song for the world most in love, meant for each other and long lasting couple." It doesn't exist on the internet. But them again the internet doesn't know everything. They broke up in 1998. Played their last concert in 1998 - and fittingly made "You're the Best Thing" the last song they ever played. I'll find that quote because I know it exists.

So as we move through the rest of our lives, we are going to have to know that music will come and go, fashion will come and go, TV shows, favorite actors/actresses, will all appear and disappear and we will just keep moving forward hand in hand. Because in the end we will outlast them all.

I like it that way. People will remember us long after Justin Beiber is into adulthood or Lady Gaga has finally stopped wearing meat products. Because they are fads. We are the real thing.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.