I likely haven’t ever wished that I had spent more time on
my time machine idea than I do right now.
Inventing a tie machine instead of some algorithm would probably be more
valuable now. Being able to changes
things, witness things, prevent things or change things in the future seems
like a pretty worthwhile power right now.
It could really have an impact.
However, I am not so sure you could easily predict where or what
direction I might travel. It might
surprise you.
I think the obvious answer is back a few months. Complete oblivion again. Completely fooled by our surroundings, but
confident every day that everything was ok.
That our world was somehow in our control. Holidays looming. Both of our kids in their customary roles - whether
we agreed with those roles or not. Life was safe, expected and customary. Not much cause to worry except about little
things. You and I enjoying ourselves,
often too much, but truly just enjoying being with each other.
I could travel back the necessary 2 years and put her in a
different place. A random choice, just
certainly not the place she was hurt. A
quick and subtle change to history. A monumental
2 second decision. Should she go to place
A, go to place B or should she stay home.
A push in the right direction. Just
momentarily missing a decision that changes her life forever. A turns of event in a different
direction. Poof instant different life.
Maybe back 8 years. Mequon
golden times. Both girls enjoying young
lives. Talk of first cars. Growing circle of our friends. Kickball.
Fires on patios. Centennials. College looms.
Track commences. Someone wants a
cool bike because her friends have one.
Even if we did get too late for her to actually enjoy it that way. I loved that awesome yard view. I loved sitting on that back deck with
you. So many stars. Your eyes glistening in the night light.
Maybe back 17 years.
Two dancing girls. Our first
house. Everything we did was new. It was tradition setting at every turn. It was almost like you had a plan for what
the family was going be and ensured that the path was set and followed. It was amazing. If I know anything, it is that you built this
family. With meticulous detail. Working with what you had when you had it to
work with. Genius. Sheer genius.
You were never more confident and unsure at the same time. It may have been the most amazing time of your
life. You may not even realize that.
Trust me my love, you were never more beautiful, more confident or more
amazing. At the time I was in complete “awe”
of you.
Maybe back 26 years.
Pizza on the floor by candlelight. A tiny TV.
Cassette recordings we roll over on “accidentally”. Storms to the Cure. Crazy roommates. Gross dogs.
Topless Jeeps. Diet coke and ice Cream. Same gift exchanges. Learning so much about each other. Knowing this person is the one. Being 100% certain of that fact. The Sex.
Maybe back 29 years.
I can’t explain to you how much that silly “Play It Again” song reminds
me of young Tracy. It may be that Bee
Gees song, but hearing you get excited over a song and listening to it over and
over totally jazzes me. I know that
young Tracy would have danced. I know
that young Tracy would have been completely enjoying herself.
What if the time machine only worked once? What if you only pick one point in time to
travel?
They all seem like good choices. Some of them places I would want to stay a
while in. Some I may just want a few
minutes or seconds in. Some places I’d
like to just go watch and not disrupt the point in time. I don’t know how I could pick just one. I don’t know if I would pick any.
But I have a better choice.
I want to go forward. I want to
pick a point in time in the future when things are right again. Because in that list of past events above also
loomed some bad things. However, as I
look back on life. Life with you. They seem so insignificant. They seem so few when I think of all the good
times.
Why wouldn't I want to go forward? More memories with you? More things I’ll be able list as great times
20 years after I go forward? A certainty
of knowing we conquered again and come through together again? A new list of good times to document. Flashes of our life everywhere you look. So many bright flashes and so few dark ones. Yup that’s what I want.
I want a time a year from now. Maybe less – maybe more. You and I are at dinner. It is a Chicago summer evening. On a patio somewhere. A new patio.
First time we are experiencing it.
Together as always. Writing
another chapter in our script. Just like
always.
As we sit we are laughing and talking about something the
girls did today or something at the office.
Maybe it is something new. Last
summer (still the future, but not as far – time travel can be so confusing) we
started doing something new and we are laughing about stories of that. Whatever “that” is. You look beautiful. Blue eyes shining through your sunglasses like
they always do. Dazzling smile. That kind of sexy way you sip a fruity drink –
you now the kind you order on patio dates.
We are still talking about our memories. Some so new that as of today they aren’t made
yet. Talking about our life. That carefully orchestrated life we have had
together. No matter what bumps get in
the way, you find a way back to the plan.
No one has ever made me feel so safe.
No one has ever made me feel so loved.
I am completely in your care. I
know that you always know the way forward.
It is life as it should be.
Funny thing though. In
our patio conversation, we haven’t mentioned anything bad that may have
happened. Too many good memories. There isn't time for the bad.
So I guess I have to apologize for my poorly placed focus
all these years. Stupid algorithm. I swear to you, one morning the time machine
plans were right next to the algorithm plan.
I just picked up the wrong piece of paper. Ironically (I had to look it up to ensure I did
not make an irony misstep), I could have used the time machine to go in time
and grab the other piece of paper.
It doesn't matter. I can
wait for the date on the patio. I know
it will come. In fact, I’d prefer not to
travel at all. Here is just
perfect. Good days and bad. I want to live them all. I want to live them all with the person I
love most. I want to live them all with
you.
You’re the world to me.
I love you more than anything in the world.
(side note – I have wanted to write that blog for you for
about 10 days. You amaze me my love.)
