Merry Christmas!

I know you got your Christmas letter instead of a a post, but I figured adding this one line wouldn't hurt.

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY LOVE!

Finally Home

Tomorrow marks the last day away from home for me this year. This whole working in another state thing is really a serious drag. I long for being you and the girls. I know I have missed so much of their lives the past 18 months. I know I have missed so much of our lives the past 18 months. I know it can't be like this forever. It hurts more than you know.

I thought I might honor this last day with a list of sorts. I grappled with a few ideas. I have the issue of not trampling on next week's Christmas letter (which always has some kind of list) and still have this be entertaining and make you smile. However, I landed on this list. Here goes....

Top 10 Things I KNOW Are Happening While I am Gone

10). The discussions at dinner involve on-going talk of bodily functions and "that time of the month" issues. While you share some of this while I am home, I know that in my absence it is a no holes barred scenario.

9). You secretly eat everyone of my favorite meals and then tell me you had "Sandwiches" when I call. I am certain I smelled Farfalle one day when I got home.

8). There is much ping pong practice going on in an effort to make me look even worse when I play. How did you all get that good all of a sudden?

7). The bed never gets made. I have spies honey, just admit this one.

6). When you go to the grocery store you secretly make jokes about needing more "borscht" - becuase you really do think I am funny.

5). The radio in the car is on talk radio all week long.

4). The powder room (or should I say "my" bathroom) is the only toilet used all week long. I know this because I have been monitoring toilet paper usage for some time now.

3). You go to Costco every day - and YOU eat the samples!

2). No one has to chop the vegetables or shred the cheese. You always use the food processor for that. You also never have potatoes, because no one else peels but me!

1). You fall asleep to Sports Center every night.

Ok, maybe it wasn't funny. I did try though.

In reality, you have no idea how much I notice that you make every attempt to keep things normal in the girls lives while I am not there. Even more importantly, I do notice how you make such effort to make the most of every moment I am home.

You are the love of my life. Today I did hear a song (well I had heard it plenty before) and the lyrics really struck me. Go and listen to "Dig" by Incubus. It is a truly inspirational love song. I'll leave you with the lyrics from the song.

All my Love.

"Dig" - Incubus

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easier to identify.
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how hard we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone.

Pictures of You

I've been look so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real....

For a long time I have been looking at pictures of you. Not so much the printed kind, but the real kind. For a long time I have been able to see you and visualize just how beautiful you are inside and out. It still thrills me that a certain glimpse of you in the right way makes me feel goofy inside.

I had one of those moments this weekend.

I sat in the chair getting my haircut. You were there next to me in another chair. You were talking about something and I was listening at the time. Then slowly I just started looking at you. It was as if the room suddenly got quieter. You looked so beautiful. Your eyes were lit perfectly. Not by the real light, but by your smile. Your smile filled a whole room and no one else but me recognized just how lucky they were to be warmed by it. The simple tilt of your head, an almost arrogant adoration of yourself - but a recognitiion at the same time that you are humble about your beauty.

I've been living so long with these pictures of you, that I almost believe that the pictures are all that I can feel....

Thousands of moments like that throughout the past 20 or so years. Moments when I feel compelled to tell you how much I truly love you. How much I feel so lucky just to be part of your world. How simply perfect you are in every way. I certainly do not plan for those moments, they are moments that just happen. My passion for you grows all the time. My love for grows all the time. I think in big part to anticipation of these moments.

There was nothing in this world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart, there was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to never feel the breaking apart of my pictures of you.....

Remember the pictures of you I stole? Maybe they started this. Funny, but I don't have more real pictures of you - you seem so uncomfortable having them taken. Yet somehow that makes you even more beautiful. Even more stunning. I cannot tell you how very much the simple glimpses mean to me. How amazingly fascinated I am by their arrival. How lucky I am that you make me feel this way.

So even if I don't regularly say it. Or if I don't regularly notice a new sweater or a change in your hair. I notice you all the time. I gaze at you and I see something no one else sees. Everyone sees how pretty you are, while I see how beautiful you are.

I've bee looking so long at these pictures of you........

I will be looking for a lot longer.

I love you.

It Really Is a Wonderful Life

It is Christmas time again. We are full swing into our annual x-mas affair. We have many of the big items already out of the way. You are nearly done shopping, decorating is completed, the tree is in place (and really tall!) and the sounds of the holiday fill the house (and the car, and the bathroom, well eveyrwhere). On Sunday we added another of the final holiday touches.

George Bailey finally found his way into our home. He was a bit late this year, but his arrival was well timed. We had just finished the tree and we had all settled in for our holiday evening. I never really liked this movie before I met you, now when I watch it I realize why it has become so important.

The premise is simple. George's life is in turmoil. He blames himself. Life has failed him and he is angry. None of George's hopes and dreams came true. In short, this world would have been better off without him.

As George reviews his life he realizes just how many people he has touched and what a lasting impact on them he has made. George learns what a wonderful life he really has had. This time when I watched it I found myself shedding a tear. I had never done that in previous viewings.

My love, I wondered just how many lives you have touched. How many people can count themselves better off for having had you in their lives?

I can quickly name 3. Me and our two beautiful girls. We should count twice (or even three times) on this list. You have given each of us so much life. Some much purpose. Your impact on us has been immeasurable. But we are easy to identify. So I will dig a bit deeper.

Next on my list is the boys. How much of you is really in them? How much of their personality is a reflection of you? I say a lot. During times when they needed family you were always there for them. When those boys needed some comic relief and the ability to "forget it all" you provided them a haven for such activity. When they needed advice or a listening ear, you were always there. I cannot imagine how much harder their lives would have been had you not be around to provide them some real family.

I'll move next to your sister. I know you recognize how much she helped you when you were younger, but I think the reverse may be more true. Even when you were younger you provided her the close family she needed when she moved far away from her family. Summer visits and an extension of her family in Texas. Then when we got married she had you for holidays, you to lean on and you to give her boys the extended family they needed. When she got divorced you where always there for her - even when she was very difficult. Even now you provide her some sense of reality about who she really is in life.

Finally I will go to your mother. Of all the people who have failed you in life, I think she tops the list. Yet you don't cast stones. In fact you almost single handedly allowed her to take an important step in her life. I remember very well your trip to her "group". I remember how hard it was for you and how much courage it took. Yet there you were helping her and providing the incentive ("you will never see your grandhildren") she really needed to get her life right. Trust me she deserves much credit for what she did, but she had you there helping her.

I could go on. We have friends whose lives you have touched, you have co-workers whose lives you touched and your compassion will live on forever in our girls.

I guess now I realize why that movie means so much to you. I wonder if you realized it as well.

Thanks for making my life such a wonderful place. I love you so much and am thankful that our lives touched each other. However, the scale tips in your favor and I get to benefit from it.

Merry Christmas my love.

In Your Image

The risk in referring to the kids in this forum is risk of the loss of anonymity in such a public forum. To retain that anonymity I will refer to the kids as the “older one” and the “younger one”. Yes, I know they each have terrific names, but you never know who is reading.

My thought for this post hit me on Sunday evening while we all sat in the family room. The “older one” was engrossed in Cold Case and the “younger one” sat in the basement on her computer sulking a bit about her “forgotten” homework. As I watched them throughout the evening the reflection of you was all over them. While neither is exactly you (and who is right?), they each have so much of you in them. While I wouldn’t call them dependent on you, they each feel so comfortable with you they can really do or say anything around you. What a nice life they have thanks to you.

The “older one” wants so much to please you. You can see it so clearly in how she “joins in” on every joke you tell and how even the slightest inkling of disappointing you hurts her so. She cuddles only you. She smiles at you just a little differently than she does for anyone else. She hugs you first, kisses you first and tells you that she loves you so easily it is hard for me to not feel a little bit jealous. There are truly times when I think she would crawl back into the womb knowing how much you protect her. I am quite certain that the bond shared between you is something that she will carry with her forever. Somehow through all that she has been exposed to in her short life, you have made that beautiful little girl a confident young woman.

The “younger one” is much more like you - steadfastly independent, quick witted, funny and simply gorgeous. She even has your facial expressions. Like you she is somewhat reservedly confident, like a humble beauty that only a few can see even though it is always there. She can take care of herself, but readily will allow you to care for her. She can think for herself, but readily would allow you to make any decision on her behalf. I don’t think you really understand the extreme level of trust she has in you. Different from the “older one” she never questions you; to her you are always right. She shares and cherishes your little “inside jokes” and the fact that you both can tease others so well. She feels more comfortable around you than with anyone else, with you she can just be who she wants to be and you accept that.

You have done such a fabulous job raising them. While there is no clear text book for child rearing, you seem to do it with such an effortless flare. Almost every goal you established for them has come true. You kept it simple and they thrive because of it. You simply love them so much it forms a cocoon like atmosphere that can never allow them harm. Your goal of having them be able to look in the mirror and like what they see has become a reality. It has done so because you made it so. While they deserve some credit, you deserve more.

Our family is the family it is because you have taken such care to make it so. I love you so much and am so thankful for what you have given to all of us. Few people will ever accomplish in their lives what you have with our little girls.

I love you.

Turkey Day: Prelude to Chrismas

This is it sweetie. This official start of the holiday season. My favorite holiday. Thanksgiving.



I know you start the holiday season much earlier, in fact your noble attempt to make Thanksgiving a "gift giving" holiday is quite unique. I guess I should embrace the early holiday season start as well, if only because it really puts you in a great mood. I love it when you are in a good mood.



So with that debuts my first "list" in this blog. The list is just for you - your holiday list so to speak.

Top 10 Things My Wife Does to Make Holidays Special

10. The first decoration goes out in early November. In fact the "days left to Christmas" often requires manual intervention to create the number of days left. Just not enough 4's.



9. We actually discussed the potential location of a 5th tree. Yes a 5th tree for our home. Each decorated perfectly.



8. The password protected, perfectly organized, multi-highlighted "gift spreadsheet". The girls have o idea the depths you go to to make their holiday perfect.



7. The kids are 14 and 17 and you will still have "Santa" wrapping paper.



6. The unpacking of the ornaments. It is like a life history of your childhood and our family in one evening. Opening them is more fun than hanging them.



5. Finding the "wow" factor gifts. Every year you somehow take your vision for the morning of Christmas and turn it into reality for the girls.



4. Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. Secretly I am lad we are having both at our house this year. Your dinner always tastes perfect. And heck we have plenty of oven space this year!



3. The Christmas cookies. Dozens of perfectly planned, perfectly created cookies. The house always smells so good.



2. The Christmas music. In the car, in the kitchen, on the computer and this year the perfect MP3 Playlist. Jack Jones would be proud. Is a concert in the works from you?



1. This year I plan on putting the mistletoe to good use. You can count on it.



So begins the family Christmas season. Without you and your influence it would be just any other time of the year.



I love you.

I Am Superman?

*** Special NOTE on this post - I originally thought NOT to post it, but after we discussed the weekend _ I thought it might mean even more to you. If you do not like it, I can delete it as this is blog is for you and not me. ****



So what happened? You already know. In fact you said it.



However, to better understand the situation, I think it is high tie you learned something about me. It is a bit shocking you already didn't know. I am Superman. Yes I am completely invincible. In fact I am quite certain that I am capable of anything I want to try or do. I cannot be defeated. Nothing I truly try to accomplish do I fail at, nothing I truly want to attain do I not attain. I, in fact, have never lost at anything that truly meant something to me. So amazingly confident am I in my "Superman-ness", that I truly believe it to be true. The flaw is that EVERY Superman has his kryptonite.



You are my kryptonite. Not in a bad way. But in the "Jesus be realistic you are not really Superman" kind of way. No one is really Superman. No one is invincible. Everyone needs that something that they cannot live without. You are my thing. Call it my kryptonite.



Being Superman is in my head. It is more of a thought process. Gives me courage. Makes me feel strong. You benefit from my Superman. I promised to "take care of you forever" many years ago and it created the Superman. So far I have done a pretty good job. Lately things have been going so well for me and us. Great job, budding new business (of my own creation), kids accomplishing so much every day, you being healthy, etc. At work people want to hear me tell them to "x" or maybe do "y". All Superman stuff. My marriage beats any one's, my kids top them all - my life is perfect!



That is why this weekend was was so hard. See this weekend I realized that there is one person I cannot "be above". One person that I need so desperately that it brings me from Superman to nothing in an instant. That is you. You are so important to me and so make me feel like the Superman I think I am, that any lack of your attention can kill me. This weekend you accidentally made me feel like something I had not felt in a very long time. You made me feel insignificant. You did it and didn't even do anything wrong.



For nearly 20 years everywhere we have gone, everything we have done and everything we are has been about us. Not the kids, but us. People really do meet us and think "wow, they are really perfect for each other". They really do wish they had what we have. This weekend, no one saw that us. You didn't need me to be you. You wasn't us. There is nothing wrong with that, but it hurt. It hurt so badly. For days it still hurt. You did nothing wrong, you were being the person I love so much. Funny, entertaining, and the life of the party. I was definitely not mad, but I was still hurt.



I did get over it. I put my Superman cape back on. However, I got kind of a wake up call from the whole experience. Without you I have very little. While that is an amazing life experience, it has potential for hurt. You are the one person I "let in" over that past few decades. With you I have vulnerability. You are my kryptonite.



I will close this by admitting that using this blog to tell you this is very cowardly. A real man says what he feels to his wife (and I did accomplish that) face to face. Superman looks past it and never says a word. I love you. I need you. I know that. I just know that a little bit more now.



Do I get jealous honey? Yeah I get jealous.



I Love You.

Our Song

In addition to being forced to listen to Mr. Roboto on the plane yesterday, I also had the pleasure of hearing our song. I find it funny that lots of couples have "their song", but most times I think it is tied to a moment in time rather than the song itself. "Our song" is a true representation of our relationship. It is a song we don't share with anyone else I have ever met. The song isn't obscure or anything, it is just uniquely us.

I decided to take the time to put the lyrics on a post and really illustrate just how closely they fit. As I mentioned once before, no song is a perfect fit for any couple. However, this one is really close to perfect.
.

I could be discontent and chase the rainbows end

I might win much more but lose all that is mine

I could be a lot but I know I'm not

I'm content just with the riches that you bring

.

What a terrific way to open the song. As the song kind of implies throughout, our relationship is in fact the crowning achievement of my life. Yes, anyone could want more in life. They could take risks to get more than they already have. I have no need to do that. I am truly content with the riches that you bring. This love, this life, this marriage. I want for nothing more. What ever else I achieve pales by comparison.

.

I might shoot to win and commit the sin

Of wanting more than I've already got

I could runaway but I'd rather stay

In the warmth of your smile lighting up my day

.

Maybe this is why people stray in marriages. Wanting more than they have already got. Running away to find something that they lack or at least perceive they lack. Our marriage lacks nothing. In a way it is simply perfect. Best friends, wonderful family, ability to make each other laugh. Why want more? How could one even imagine more? I would rather stay - having the warmth of your smile lightining up my day. How could anything be more perfect?

.

The chorus is simple.

.

You're the best thing that ever happned to me or my world

You're the best thing that ever happened, so don't go away

.

Wow. No truer words ever spoken. My life is what it is because of you and the us we have created. I want nothing more than to recognized as the other half of us. It is a life accomplishment. Yes, you are the best thing that ever happened to my - to my world.

.

I might be a king and steal my peoples things

But I don't go for that power crazy way

All that I could rule but I don't check for fools

All that I need is to be left to live my way

.

I struggled to see how this fit. Then I realized how it fit with the rest of the song. Yes I could be king, but that isn't my way. All I need is to be left to live my way. My way is you. To be left to live the life we have and and feel the love we share, thats all I need. It gets you through good and bad. It makes each day worth waking up for. Yes left to live my way. The "just us" way. Let no one else or their ambition stand in the way of that.

.

I could chase around for nothing to be found

But why look for something that is never there

I may get it wrong sometimes but I'll come back in style

For I realise your love means more than anything

.

There is no need to look elsewhere for something that doesn't exist. When you even question that you come back to the same place over and over again. Yes your love means more than anything. All the riches in the world couldn't replace it.

.

You truly are the best thing that ever happened to me - to my world. This love, this life, this marriage. Nothing can replace it, nothing has its value. You are the true love of my life.

.

While I think this may officially be the most corny post to date, it pleases me that our song is as truly special as our relationship. I love you so much. Our love really is the most important thing to me - it means more than anything.

.

I love you.

The Airplane Text

"I love you - be careful"

Simple phrase. Simply put. I hear it often. It comes at a time when it is very appropriate to hear. It has become kind of a sense of security for me.

I fly a lot. Probably too much. Every week I board between 2 and 6 airplanes bound for somewhere. My wife and I make it a practice to have me call before I take off and immediately after I land. "I love you - be careful" is the last thing I hear before every departure.

At first I didn't recognize the pattern. I didn't really realize that my wife made sure that was the last thing she said to me. I also didn't realize that it had been happening that way for a long time. Once I noticed, I started to count on it. "I love you - be careful". "I will honey, I love you too." Hearing it is important to me. I think saying it is important to her. She doesn't like to fly for a variety of reasons, but the "I love you - be careful" reminds me that she really doesn't like me to fly either. That she worries about me. That she cares about me.

Loving someone is a much easier process than truly caring about them. "I love you - be careful" is the phrase that tells me that this is much more than love. That I am so lucky to be the object of her love and caring.

Ironically, I wrote this on my morning flight today. I then boarded my evening flight late and when I called her she was busy with the kids. For the first time, she missed saying it. I hung up the phone with kind of an empty feeling. Kind of scared. I called back and she acknowlegded that it didn't happen. It was really the first time we had ever even recognized to each other that it was a recurring sequence of events. The she said it.

"I love you - be careful". Needless to say I landed took off an landed safely. I was careful.

Glad You Liked It

Well your birthday is over. I was quite happy that you liked this gift. I was a little nervous that you might find it a bit weird.

It was hard to leave today. Getting up early wasn't near as bad as having to be away from you for a few days. I had a scary flight. The weather made the flight bumpy and we had one of those abrupt "drops". Not like our PVR drop, but a slight one all the same.

It kind of got me thinking when it happened. 20 years ago I lived my life day to day. If I made it through another day so be it, no real looking to tomorrow. Then I met you and suddenly tomorrow means so much more to me.

So much in my life is better because of you. Having someone to share everything with makes thinsg seem so much more real. You truly are my best friend. The best friend I have ever had. I think that is what makes our marriage so unique. We are truly good friends. I think that in itself is pretty romantic. While I may not be overtly romantic (flowers, cards, etc.), I always think romantically. A hopelessly in love boy. Thats what I am.

I love you - good night.

Happy Birthday!

Ok so this is it. The most effort I have ever gone to for a birthday present.

I am not sure this is what you were expecting, but I promise it is a gift that will give over and over and over again.

I love you - Happy Birthday!

The Birthday Gift

As I prepared this "blog" concept as a gift, I often wondered whether or not it was the right thing to do. How do I provide my wife a forum to read what I really feel and not sound obsessive. How do I keep the truly personal nature of what I want to say and yet somehow hide it from the very public nature of a blog?

I know how I feel. I can feel it. I am certainly not confident that all of what runs through my mind can be put on to pages and text. I guess that is why I cannnot write songs. But I am going to try. Some how, some way, my wife needs to know how I really feel. More importantly - how it feels for me to feel this way. As this is very personal, I plan to keep complete anonymity through the course of these entries. Only those who know us very well would ever be able to understand or know who we are.

I'll present a good example. Often I hear a song. I listen to words. I listen to how people sing. Many times the words or even the way someone sings their song sounds much like how I feel about my wife. I can't sing, I can't write songs, I can't play the guitar. Frankly, I don't even hum with any real conviction. But I'd give anything to be able to do it for my wife. To write something poignant or have her hear that tone in my voice.

Take the song "Dogs" (I will refer to songs often throughout the course of this blog effort) by Damien Rice. Frankly, the lyrics don't really fit my thoughts on my love for my wife. How the song is ung certainly does. Here are the lyrics in question:

She's always dressed in white

She's like an angel and it burns my eyes

When she turns she pulls her smile

We drive around and she drives me wild

And she moves like a little girls

I become a child when she rules my world

When she gets splashed in play and turns and away

And leaves me standing....

Are the lyrics perfect? No. Do they completely apply to my feelings? Close. Its the way the song is sung that gets me. The powerful sound of passionate love. Thats it. That sound the the singer wants nothing more than for the person for whom he wrote the song to hear and smile. Smile and feel what he feels.

I just want my wife to know I feel that way. That I have moments away from her where the overwhelming melancholy of the moment finds me in her arms even though I may be hundreds of miles away. That at many times during many days something makes me feel like I am hugging you from afar. That is what I feel. I would not trade that sense of joy and the power of those moments for anything.

Now I guess somehow I need to stop being such a huge coward and not hide these thought sbehind some blog, huh? Oh well - its a start.

Get off that Couch!

About a week ago my wife started asking me about a new couch. We already have a quite fine couch I thought to myself. One that my very cheap mind often reminds me how that we paid to much for. Really, I was just about to go down the "geez do we really need all this stuff" path again (sconces, damn sconces!), when I had a thought.

I started to realize that that couch, or any couch, is really what our marriage is all about. It has little to do with the couch itself, that would be silly. It has everything to do with the abundance of time we spend together on that couch.

That couch is the center of our home. The center of our family. The center of our relationship.

We joke about the lack of "something in common" (I will never live that down will I?). The amount of time we spend just being together is that "something in common". We watch our many TV shows together. We make each other laugh. We playfully tease each other (wet Willy's?). We have all of that in common.

Ironically, much of that interaction is spent on that couch. Foot rubbing, jockeying for comfort, fighting for the remote, tickling, snuggling, it all happens on that couch. Hour after hour after hour. All hours I cherish. All hours I look forward to. Hours of pure pleasure and love.

You want a new couch honey? Go get one. I hope it brings us as much joy as the last one. And the one before that, and the one before that.

All my love and much couching.

When She Sleeps

My wife is truly beautiful. There is nothing on this earth I'd rather look at day after day. During the day when she is awake I can gaze at her eyes forever, it seems. They change from time to time. Why I have no idea, but the fact that they do is really cool. Sometimes they appear darker than others, but always they are worth the time I spent looking at them.

This is all well and good, but it is when she sleeps that she really amazes me with her beauty. Asleep she is the most beautiful creature on earth. Something in her smile, that fascinating, peaceful smile touches me. Maybe it is because she loves to sleep so much (she really does). Maybe it is because when she sleeps I control the TV remote (yup - ESPN baby!). Mostly I think it is because I know that the re-occurring evening event means that when I awake she will be a part of another day with me on the road to forever.

Something very cool must happen to her when she sleeps. She laughs at me when I tell her that in the morning she smells like pancakes. But she does! The morning is always when i am most attracted to her (yup pancakes = sexy) and that sweet smell is a big part of it. I cannot tell you how many times I simply wake up, roll over and take the sweet scent of the back of her neck in as if it where some kind of terrific wake up call.

So I guess that's it, she sleeps perfectly and I love it. She wakes up a part of my life. That is certainly worth something every day isn't it?

I can't wait for tonight! Ahhhhhhh!