The Birthday Gift

As I prepared this "blog" concept as a gift, I often wondered whether or not it was the right thing to do. How do I provide my wife a forum to read what I really feel and not sound obsessive. How do I keep the truly personal nature of what I want to say and yet somehow hide it from the very public nature of a blog?

I know how I feel. I can feel it. I am certainly not confident that all of what runs through my mind can be put on to pages and text. I guess that is why I cannnot write songs. But I am going to try. Some how, some way, my wife needs to know how I really feel. More importantly - how it feels for me to feel this way. As this is very personal, I plan to keep complete anonymity through the course of these entries. Only those who know us very well would ever be able to understand or know who we are.

I'll present a good example. Often I hear a song. I listen to words. I listen to how people sing. Many times the words or even the way someone sings their song sounds much like how I feel about my wife. I can't sing, I can't write songs, I can't play the guitar. Frankly, I don't even hum with any real conviction. But I'd give anything to be able to do it for my wife. To write something poignant or have her hear that tone in my voice.

Take the song "Dogs" (I will refer to songs often throughout the course of this blog effort) by Damien Rice. Frankly, the lyrics don't really fit my thoughts on my love for my wife. How the song is ung certainly does. Here are the lyrics in question:

She's always dressed in white

She's like an angel and it burns my eyes

When she turns she pulls her smile

We drive around and she drives me wild

And she moves like a little girls

I become a child when she rules my world

When she gets splashed in play and turns and away

And leaves me standing....

Are the lyrics perfect? No. Do they completely apply to my feelings? Close. Its the way the song is sung that gets me. The powerful sound of passionate love. Thats it. That sound the the singer wants nothing more than for the person for whom he wrote the song to hear and smile. Smile and feel what he feels.

I just want my wife to know I feel that way. That I have moments away from her where the overwhelming melancholy of the moment finds me in her arms even though I may be hundreds of miles away. That at many times during many days something makes me feel like I am hugging you from afar. That is what I feel. I would not trade that sense of joy and the power of those moments for anything.

Now I guess somehow I need to stop being such a huge coward and not hide these thought sbehind some blog, huh? Oh well - its a start.