I’ve Learned Things

Originally written on June 4, 2021.  Posted on June 11, 2021. 

I won’t make this public tonight.  That wouldn’t be fair to you in your current condition.  I’m being strong for you.  I am.  Really strong. I can feel it in my core.  We’ve got this.

But I can’t tell you that it hasn’t torn me apart.  But I know things will be fine soon.  I’ve known for some time how to manage this life.  How to make sure that every day sets up the next day.

We’ve had a few other things in our marriage that have terrified me.  We’ve made it through everyone of them.  Sometimes we fretted too much when shouldn’t have and sometimes not enough when we should have.

But life has taught me things. I’ve learned the strategy that lets you sleep soundly at night.  Makes you always feel hopeful.  Makes you always believe things will be just fine.  Just take life one day at a time.  It is simple.  It is easy.

Make it through today.  End today with a plan to make it through tomorrow.  Let what happens, happen.   Don’t let it break you.  You’ve panicked a thousand times and yet it always worked out.  So why not believe its going again be just fine.

Tomorrow will be another day.  I promise.

Don’t be stupid and not plan for the future.  The future is the best part.  Think about it my love, no one plans for bad stuff in the future.  You would only look to the future for good stuff.  So in addition to today, plan for a good future.  A fun future.  And guess what?  Tomorrow gets you one day closer to that fun future. And next day, even closer.  But just get through today and plan for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be another day.  I promise.

See?  I’ve learned things.  I may not be able to spell “no peeking”, but your husband knows stuff.

So I ask you, what was the best thing that happened to you today?  I can’t wait to hear it.

You’re the world to me, I love you more than anything in the world.

My Revelation

 My love, its 10:24 PM on May 31, 2021.  I’m writing the date because one day we are going to look back on the past few weeks and remember something wonderful about the time period.  We won’t remember the horrific pain you endured.  We won’t remember the fear we both had.  We won’t even remember how hard it was for you to recover.

That’s not how we are are built.  Some how, some way what we will remember will be happy.  Maybe it will be the nurses and how well they cared for you.  Maybe it will be how we hunkered down in a 12 by 12 hospital room together for 5 or 6 days.  The bad food.  Ice chips.  The thing that fell out of your nose so suddenly.  How the girls played delivery people for us.  I don’t know.  But I know that we will somehow remember the good things more than the bad.  It is the Rozell way.  It is what makes Jim and Tracy special.  It is why people revere us the way they do.

But I have to tell you what I will remember most.  It will be the time I realized just how strong you are and what amazinmg courage you have.  It will be the time I realized that somehow despite eveything you endured in your life, you wound up being an angel.  Our gift from god.  

I’ve always thought that I did a good job taking care of you.  That was my role.  I was the strong one.  I put things on my shoulders for us all.  Beared burdens so to speak. I pride myself on being a strong person.  Being courageous.  I protect my girls.  It is my job.  A job I highly recommend (did you get the Arthur reference?)

But, I now realize I am nothing compared to you.  I know you have heard me say this before and trust me that I truly believe it.  I live my life on this premise.  The premise is that god will never give us more than we can handle.  He knows what strength and courage we have in us.  He trusts that whatever he puts before us, we can find the strength and courage he knows we all have within us.  Its our job to find it.  It’s the thing that makes me never give up.  I may not go to church, but thats the faith I believe in. 

Why do I realize that you are stronger than me?  I’ll tell you exactly why.  Tonight, while you slept in bed,  on your way to recovery, I sat in my chair in tears.  Why?  Because I wanted was for YOU to hug ME and tell ME it was going to be ok.  Imagine that.  You in your worst pain and suffering and I am expecting you to comfort me.  Silly huh?  But you always have.  You always will.  Often not even realzing you are doing it.  Just like an angel.

Then you briefly woke up.  You handed me the remote.  So I could find something on TV for me.  You asked me to put your socks on.  It was dark, so you didn’t see my tears or my fear.  I put your socks on.  And as I walked around to kiss you.  You said “I love you bub” in your raspy voice from that tube and all.  I kiss you on the forehead, said “good night sweetie” and you turned your head to go back to sleep.  And instantly I felt better.

How do you do it?  How can one person be so selfless when others would be at their most selfish?  How do you know when other people need something when they haven’t even said so?  It is because you are an angel.  I am certain of it.

We will get past this, just like everything else.  I’ll still do everything I can to take care of you.  But I’ll always know you are really caring for me.  Even when you don’t know it.

Sleep tight my love.  You’ve got a big day of being amazing tomorrow.  Just like every day.

You’re the world to me, I love you more than anything inthe world.

(and as I proof read “Baby I’m Amazed” playedin my headphones.  God winks again)