26 Years is a Small Part of Forever My love

This morning I woke exactly where I wanted to be.  Exactly where I am supposed to be.  Exactly where I have been for the past 26 years.

I can't believe it is 26 years since we got married.  26 years?  How could we have been doing anything for 26 years?  Are we even 26 years old?  I guess judging by the ages of our daughters it must be true.  It sure doesn't feel that way.

Our lives moving forward are going to be different.  For most of the 25 years we have had constant family attention to the girls.  While we have been much better than most couples at finding time for just the two of us, now we have just the two of us.  Our focus is officially changed.  From here on in it is all about just the two of us.  I can't wait.

I hate to do this to you but I am going to use some song lyrics on you for this blog.  I have been waiting for just this day to drop this one into the blog.  It is even a new song.  You'll figure it out pretty quickly, but I am going to grab a few lyrics that truly are how I feel about you and more importantly about us.

"When your looks don't work like they used to before, and I can't sweep you off your feet.  Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?  Will your eyes still smile form your cheeks?"  So easy.  26 years later and I still look at you and think the same thing I have always thought.  "She is so beautiful.  Is today the day she realizes that she is too good for me?"  How does someone like her fall in love with me?  Will I be charming enough today to make her still be in love with me?  And yet everyday I feel more loved by you.  Much to my amazement.

"When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades, And the crowds don't remember my name.  When my hands don't play the strings the same way, I know you will still love me the same."  Our love is endless sweetie.  It will span all time.  It will endure anything.  Good or bad.  No matter how old we grow or how much we change one thing remains constant.  Our love will never change.  God put us together for a reason.  He keeps us together for even better reasons.  We define "true love".

"And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70, And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23.  And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways.  Maybe just the touch of a hand, Oh me I fall in love with you every single day.  And I just wanna tell you I am".   I think about how much I can't control my urge to tell you I love you.  I fear sometimes I say it too much.  As if it is no longer believable.  Then I have moments where I know that isn't at all possible.  That maybe each time I say it to you that it is exactly what you needed to hear at that very moment.  That no matter what, you not only want to hear me say it, but need to hear me say it.  I'll be in love with you at 70.  At 80.  I fall as much in love with everyday as I did when were in our 20's.  It is amazing.

"'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen, Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory".  So why doesn't it feel like 26 years?  Probably because you make me feel young.  Young and in love.  You never seem to age.  You just seem to get better.

So I guess we "found love right where we are".  And no matter where we are - as long as we are together we will have found love.  The truest love ever.  A love that will last forever.  No matter how forever is defined.  Forever is every day we are together.  Forever is every day I hold your hand and it holds mine back.  Forever is every day I kiss your cheek and you turn your head that way you always do.  Forever is every memory we create together.  Every kiss.  Every touch.

So happy 26th anniversary my love.  Given how much we have accomplished together, I guess it is time to stop being amazed at how long we have been married so far and think to myself how little 26 years represents of our forever together.  Thanks Ed Sheeran - you pretty much wrote our story for me.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

Travelling through Time

I likely haven’t ever wished that I had spent more time on my time machine idea than I do right now.  Inventing a tie machine instead of some algorithm would probably be more valuable now.  Being able to changes things, witness things, prevent things or change things in the future seems like a pretty worthwhile power right now.  It could really have an impact.  However, I am not so sure you could easily predict where or what direction I might travel.  It might surprise you.

I think the obvious answer is back a few months.  Complete oblivion again.  Completely fooled by our surroundings, but confident every day that everything was ok.  That our world was somehow in our control.  Holidays looming.  Both of our kids in their customary roles - whether we agreed with those roles or not. Life was safe, expected and customary.  Not much cause to worry except about little things.  You and I enjoying ourselves, often too much, but truly just enjoying being with each other.

I could travel back the necessary 2 years and put her in a different place.  A random choice, just certainly not the place she was hurt.  A quick and subtle change to history.  A monumental 2 second decision.  Should she go to place A, go to place B or should she stay home.  A push in the right direction.  Just momentarily missing a decision that changes her life forever.  A turns of event in a different direction.  Poof instant different life.

Maybe back 8 years.  Mequon golden times.  Both girls enjoying young lives.  Talk of first cars.  Growing circle of our friends.  Kickball.  Fires on patios.  Centennials.  College looms.  Track commences.  Someone wants a cool bike because her friends have one.  Even if we did get too late for her to actually enjoy it that way.  I loved that awesome yard view.  I loved sitting on that back deck with you.  So many stars.  Your eyes glistening in the night light.

Maybe back 17 years.  Two dancing girls.  Our first house.  Everything we did was new.  It was tradition setting at every turn.  It was almost like you had a plan for what the family was going be and ensured that the path was set and followed.  It was amazing.  If I know anything, it is that you built this family.  With meticulous detail.  Working with what you had when you had it to work with.  Genius.  Sheer genius.  You were never more confident and unsure at the same time.  It may have been the most amazing time of your life. You may not even realize that.  Trust me my love, you were never more beautiful, more confident or more amazing.  At the time I was in complete “awe” of you. 

Maybe back 26 years.  Pizza on the floor by candlelight.  A tiny TV.  Cassette recordings we roll over on “accidentally”.  Storms to the Cure.  Crazy roommates.  Gross dogs.  Topless Jeeps.  Diet coke and ice Cream.  Same gift exchanges.  Learning so much about each other.  Knowing this person is the one.  Being 100% certain of that fact.  The Sex.

Maybe back 29 years.  I can’t explain to you how much that silly “Play It Again” song reminds me of young Tracy.  It may be that Bee Gees song, but hearing you get excited over a song and listening to it over and over totally jazzes me.  I know that young Tracy would have danced.  I know that young Tracy would have been completely enjoying herself.

What if the time machine only worked once?  What if you only pick one point in time to travel?

They all seem like good choices.  Some of them places I would want to stay a while in.  Some I may just want a few minutes or seconds in.  Some places I’d like to just go watch and not disrupt the point in time.  I don’t know how I could pick just one.  I don’t know if I would pick any.

But I have a better choice.  I want to go forward.  I want to pick a point in time in the future when things are right again.  Because in that list of past events above also loomed some bad things.  However, as I look back on life.  Life with you.  They seem so insignificant.  They seem so few when I think of all the good times.

Why wouldn't I want to go forward?  More memories with you?  More things I’ll be able list as great times 20 years after I go forward?  A certainty of knowing we conquered again and come through together again?  A new list of good times to document.  Flashes of our life everywhere you look.  So many bright flashes and so few dark ones.   Yup that’s what I want. 

I want a time a year from now.  Maybe less – maybe more.  You and I are at dinner.  It is a Chicago summer evening.  On a patio somewhere.  A new patio.  First time we are experiencing it.  Together as always.  Writing another chapter in our script.  Just like always.

As we sit we are laughing and talking about something the girls did today or something at the office.  Maybe it is something new.  Last summer (still the future, but not as far – time travel can be so confusing) we started doing something new and we are laughing about stories of that.  Whatever “that” is.  You look beautiful.  Blue eyes shining through your sunglasses like they always do.  Dazzling smile.  That kind of sexy way you sip a fruity drink – you now the kind you order on patio dates.

We are still talking about our memories.  Some so new that as of today they aren’t made yet.  Talking about our life.  That carefully orchestrated life we have had together.  No matter what bumps get in the way, you find a way back to the plan.  No one has ever made me feel so safe.  No one has ever made me feel so loved.  I am completely in your care.  I know that you always know the way forward.  It is life as it should be. 

Funny thing though.  In our patio conversation, we haven’t mentioned anything bad that may have happened.  Too many good memories.  There isn't time for the bad.

So I guess I have to apologize for my poorly placed focus all these years.  Stupid algorithm.  I swear to you, one morning the time machine plans were right next to the algorithm plan.  I just picked up the wrong piece of paper.  Ironically (I had to look it up to ensure I did not make an irony misstep), I could have used the time machine to go in time and grab the other piece of paper.

It doesn't matter.  I can wait for the date on the patio.  I know it will come.  In fact, I’d prefer not to travel at all.  Here is just perfect.  Good days and bad.  I want to live them all.  I want to live them all with the person I love most.  I want to live them all with you.

You’re the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

(side note – I have wanted to write that blog for you for about 10 days.  You amaze me my love.)