The day I first held your hand....

A relationship that has lasted as long as ours is full of "first times".  The list of the first time we did this or the first time you said that goes on and on.  Over time a relationship builds a history and creates a life of its own.  New memories, new experiences and new feelings.  They just never stop coming.

There are some really memorable events that are etched in time.  They require no recall because they were so large you just will always remember them.  First kiss.  Birth of first child.  First house.  The big stuff is easy.

There are also those so memorable that there is no way they are forgotten.  Some are good. Some are bad.  Some taught us things.  Some were "realizations".  Some made us laugh.  Some made us cry.  Some we hope would never end, some we hoped we would never forget.

I guess that is what a lifetime with someone you love becomes - it becomes your life.  Your pool of memories and the things that bind you together.

We kind of differ in our approach to this whole thing.  I tend to only really remember the good things.  The wonders and amazements.  The romantic times, the sexy times, the fun times and the joy of it all.  Not matter how you slice it, it is the truly wonderful lifetime we have built together.

Through all of this one memory slips my mind.  One I feel like should be super important to me.  One that has re-occurred so many time since the first time that the first SHOULD be memorable.  Then again maybe it shouldn't.

I can't remember the first time I held your hand.  The first time I reach for your hand and our fingers locked together.  I find hand holding truly intimate, so not remembering kind of bugs me.  Or does it?

I wonder if it was while we were walking next to each other?  Did I reach down and grab your hand and gently swing our arms back and forth while we walked?  Were you surprised?  Did you grab my hand back?  Did you look at me an acknowledge that I had done so?

Or were we in the car and I reach over and grabbed your hand?  Pulled it closer to me while we drove.  A hand hold in the car is totally different. A different "move" so to speak.  How did you react?  Did you hold my hand back?  Did you smile at me?  Did I pull your hand up and kiss it?  Were you scared I might crash with my one handed driving?

Maybe it was while we sat and watched TV.  Sitting next to me and I reached over and pulled your hand into mine.  As part of the hand hold, I likely pulled you closer to me.  Classic move right?

Sadly, I can't remember.  But then again maybe remembering isn't so important.  I have held that hand a million times.  I know how your skin feels.  I know how big your hand is in mine.  I know how high to lock our fingers so it is comfortable.  I know how much to swing my arms when we walk.  I know how your fingers feel on the back of my hand.  I know how your skin tastes when I kiss the back of your hand.  I know how warm you hand is in mine.  I know you don't have sweaty palms.  I know EXACTLY what to expect.  ALWAYS.

In reality I don't want memories of a first time hand hold.  I don't want to worry about being nervous or how you will react.  I want my memory of holding your hand to be exactly what it has become over our lifetime together.  It is something that gives me comfort.  Something that I can always count on.  It is EXACTLY what I need sometimes - just because.  Holding your hand makes me feel safe, loved and happy.  I'll take that any day.

You're the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.