Senses Working Overtime

Being away last week was really rougher than I remember it being. I can't even tell you how much I missed you. I think you think I just say those things, but I really spent most of my time counting the minutes and hours until I saw you again. I can't imagine how I did that for the better part of 4 years.

I had an odd phenomenon take place when I finally saw you. One that seemed weird at the time and over the days since I have been home seems stronger and stronger. It is likely why I can't keep my hands off you right now.

When I walked in the door I knew I missed you, but when we hugged I was overwhelmed with your scent. It was amazing. It was like an overpowering reminder that I hadn't smelled you in days. I know it isn't your perfume or haircare products that I smelled, it was your scent. Like a rush of pheromones coming over me as we hugged. A sweet and gentle aroma that drives me wild. I found myself over the past few days doing whatever I can to "sniff" you. Even the thought of it right now is driving me nuts.

The other thing I found that I missed was your soft touch. You have an amazing sense of touch with your hands. It is soft, it is sensual and it also drives me nuts. I love the feel of your fingertips on the back of my neck, I love the way you hand feels when I hold it in mine and even the softness of your feet feels good right now. Not feeling that touch for 4 days really made me yearn for your touch.

The last thing isn't a sense so much. Since I got back, I have noticed that your eyes have taken on a new color. They have an amazing blue tint to them right now that they have never had at anytime in the past. I know they have changed colors over the years, but they have never taken on a color so blue. I really can't get enough of looking at them - I think I have told you 50 times in the past few days how amazing your eyes look, now you know why.

I guess after 22 years together I can get addicted to certain aspects of you. I assume these are 3 of them. How lucky am I to have such an amazing woman in my life. One I am still so attracted to in so many ways. It is likely why I can't stop touching you right now.

I guess this means you should likely sleep with one pretty blue eye open, if you know what I mean.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

Of Course They Do

I was on the plane to Washington this week. I had barely been away from you for 12 hours and I missed you tremendously. I took out my nifty iPad and started flipping through the photos I had uploaded. They helped me feel like you were near me and that helped me not feel so bad for being away.

As I looked at all of the beautiful pictures of our family (and there are so many), I remembered a conversation we had just recently. Do people look at us and think "hey that is an attractive couple"? I submit the picture below and answer the question with an emphatic YES!


How could they not is really the question. Look at you. You are young. You are gorgeous. You smile like no other person in this world. You have sex appeal. You carry yourself with class. Without adding a million more adjectives, you are simply a stunningly beautiful woman. I am so lucky to have you on my arm.

I won't discuss the guy in the picture, but thanks to you he no longer has a mullet, his clothes finally match and he does have that sexy lady standing next to him.

Over the years I truly think you have become even more attractive. Yes part of that is because I grow more and more in love with you every day. However, there are things about your beauty now that you didn't have when we met. Your eyes have changed over the years. Not physically so much, but what in see in them has changed. Your smile has changed over the years as well. It has more confidence and true happiness. You carry yourself differently and while I can't put the rights words to describe what I mean by that, I prefer the new model to the old.

So do people look at us and think we make an attractive couple? Of course they do. Half of us is beyond amazing and the other half is the guy with you. If you add in your sense of humor, charm and quick wit it reminds them even more what great couple they are seeing. Don't even get me started on what they think when you add in those pretty little girls you raised into young ladies.

Now I know I have never posted a photo to this blog and it is intended to be anonymous, but in this case I felt it necessary to show you what people see. If you are uncomfortable I can remove the photo after you read this. But it is a pretty amazing picture isn't it?

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

Your Forever – I Promise

I posted a quick reference to this on your Facebook about a week ago, you didn’t know why at the time but it was in preparation for this post.  Then I just never found the time to do this properly.  Even now you could be looking over my shoulder and I just find that odd while I am typing these updates.  It is exactly why I don’t do them in the office at home.  Anyway, I digress….

We have been married for 20+ years now my love.  I know that I promised to take care of you forever.  I intend upon fulfilling that promise.  However, for the first time in 20+ years you truly scared me.  Really scared me.  So much so that I am now beyond taking care of you and feel the need to make you feel safe – to protect you.

You likely don’t remember what happened because you had had a few beers.  It is always then that those kinds of things that hurt us most come to the surface.  Its ok, everyone needs some liquid courage every now and again.  We were at your brother’s house, talks of when you guys where younger began, they shifted to the pregnant niece in Florida, they shifted to her worthless parents, then to a funeral conversation that took place long ago….I really don’t need to go further.  Then you just got upset.  Not angry upset.  But hurt upset.  It was like you suddenly realized that no one supports you.  That no one cares about what happened.  That no one is on your side.  You held back tears because you didn’t want to bring every one down.  You bit your lip so to speak.  But I know when you are hurting.  I know you better than anyone.

Its not true my love.  You aren’t alone.  You don’t have to deal with anything by yourself.  No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you are all alone in dealing with things, you aren’t.  I am here.  I am always here.  I am that one person who puts you above all else.  I put you above myself.  I will always protect you. 

I am always here to hold you.  To hug you.  To thrust whatever hurt you are feeling upon.  To vent against.  To take out frustration one.  Whatever you need.  I will always bee there with whatever you need.  If you need me to be strong for you, I will be strong.  If you need a laugh I will make you smile.  If you need a shoulder to lean on I will stand upright forever.  If you need a tear wiped, I will be your tissue.  If you need to take for granted that I am there, I’ll accept that.

I know you think that God has a plan.  a reason for why everything happens.  I know it makes you mad that I don’t always feel the same way.  But trust me in whatever plan God had for you – I was the thing he sent to make things better for you.  Forever.  To protect you. Forever.  To take care of you.  Forever.

I am your forever sweetie.  No matter what you do to me I will always be there.  No matter what you need from me – it is yours.  Because of me you never have to be alone.  You never have to deal with anything by yourself.  I may not be perfect, I may not close drawers, I may not wipe off the counter or take off my shoes when you ask me, but I am here for you.  I am the one person who loves you above everything else.

You’re the world to me.  I love you more than anything in the world.

Not Sure How to Say This

My love, I know I have been not myself lately. There has been so much going on in our lives and for the first time in a long long time I feel like we have taken different paths to address what is going on around us. We have always been so together and in sync. We have always taken things on together and been able to come out on top as a couple rather than as individuals.

This time seems so different. We seem so different. We haven't talked about anything that is going on and as soon as I feel like I am about to talk about it, something external comes up and I feel like I should not burden you further. You didn't need to see me not confident when you were dealing with our daughter all summer, or when she was moving back to college, you didn't need to see me nervous when you got the news about our nephew and then when you got sick I didn't feel like that was the right time either. As for this blog, with so much that I should have been saying to you face to face, posting in this blog just always seemed to cowardice. I am sorry for that.

I know at this point you don't believe me, but I was pretty scared when you were in the emergency room. It was officially this first time I ever imagined losing you. It was the first time I thought to myself, "oh my god what would I do without her". You looked so scared and in such pain. But selfishly all I could think about was what would happen to me and the girls without you. But again, that wasn't the right time to bring that up to you and as the days passed the moment to discuss it with you never came. Thankfully you got better quickly (well except the medication mishap - which also made me feel bad because I should have been giving them to you all along).

So I have been trying to deal with all of this myself. Trying to put things right. And just as you kind of "tossed in the towel" and felt sorry for yourself with your workouts, I did the same with our current problems. When I needed you most, you needed me not to need you. So I opted to try to muster whatever I had to be there for you and the "other" things going on around us. I tried to be superman. I really did. I tried very hard. So many times I lifted my chin, said "today is going to the day" and day after day it wasn't. I can promise you that there are so many days when I know how close I am to making this work. I know this business will work. I know that it will be everything I envisioned it to be. I know that it was the right thing to do. But it isn't happening fast enough. I trusted the wrong people and I only have myself to blame.

But as I suspected it was you I needed. As I have written so many times, it is you who gives me my Superman strength. Having you and having us be right is the one thing makes me go. So even today when we argued, I knew that while you were mad, you reminded me how you believed in me (it was subtle but it was there). How you are there for me - even when I am too dumb to notice it. You re-started my Superman strength. I got back to business and go a lot accomplished.

That is what makes us so great together. Being there for reach other. We have so many good times to look back on and so many better times to look forward too in the future. It is just us sweetie. We don't have much more than that, so we need to make sure that WE stay strong together. The better WE are the better our lives will be.

I love you so much. More than you I think you really know. You are such a huge part of my life. In fact you are pretty much my entire life. I have only one chance to be the most important person in the world to someone and that is you. So I selfishly rely on you for much more than I should. Rely on you to give me my super powers. I get angry at you when I think you are taking them away and giving them to someone else (that is my petty way of being jealous). I wake up in the morning thinking of you and I go to bed at night doing the same. The same way I do every day.

So I am using this blog post to put this all behind us. My focus is on the short term fix we need so badly. I will spend every day contacting anyone who will listen until I fix it. I promise you that. If I am really lucky at the same time the original vision for my new company will come to light as I thought it would, but I'll make sure the NOW is taken care of ASAP.

Just make sure you are beside me the whole time. I don't know what I would do if you weren't. I need you for my super power worse than ever. I love you.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.

The next 8,000 or so days.

This past week or so has been pretty rough on you sweetie. From our daughter going off to college again, our other daughter starting her last year of school, very sick nephew and then very scary sick you. How you keep a smile on your face is beyond me.

Things will get better though, they always do. Seems like over the past 22 years (8,000 plus days) we have ridden so many ups and downs that we almost have become accustomed weathering storms. While a few of the most recent are far more severe than we have dealt with in the past, I know that they will pass too. They will pass with something positive on the other end.

I am suddenly excited about one new thing in our future. The idea of finding a new place that is "ours" and preparing for the future that will be mostly just you and me. Not that I don't love our girls, but spending the rest of my life with you alone has some real appeal. Making new or connecting with some old friends will be a bonus as well. Just think how much time we will have to spend relaxing, laughing and enjoying each other.

I have always wondered what life "after kids" (in quotes because I know you never really have after kids) would be like for us. How would we spend our days, what would we do, where would we travel, what new traditions would we create, the list goes on and on. We are getting very close to that time and while portions of it make me sad, much of it makes me excited.

It won't matter what we do so long as we do it together. Just as we always have. Hand in hand. Me and you. We could live in a shack, or a house or a downtown townhouse. It won't matter so long as we are together. It is still the best part of my life.

The countdown begins to the next 50 years. I know it isn't retirement, but it is a big change.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.