Not Sure How to Say This

My love, I know I have been not myself lately. There has been so much going on in our lives and for the first time in a long long time I feel like we have taken different paths to address what is going on around us. We have always been so together and in sync. We have always taken things on together and been able to come out on top as a couple rather than as individuals.

This time seems so different. We seem so different. We haven't talked about anything that is going on and as soon as I feel like I am about to talk about it, something external comes up and I feel like I should not burden you further. You didn't need to see me not confident when you were dealing with our daughter all summer, or when she was moving back to college, you didn't need to see me nervous when you got the news about our nephew and then when you got sick I didn't feel like that was the right time either. As for this blog, with so much that I should have been saying to you face to face, posting in this blog just always seemed to cowardice. I am sorry for that.

I know at this point you don't believe me, but I was pretty scared when you were in the emergency room. It was officially this first time I ever imagined losing you. It was the first time I thought to myself, "oh my god what would I do without her". You looked so scared and in such pain. But selfishly all I could think about was what would happen to me and the girls without you. But again, that wasn't the right time to bring that up to you and as the days passed the moment to discuss it with you never came. Thankfully you got better quickly (well except the medication mishap - which also made me feel bad because I should have been giving them to you all along).

So I have been trying to deal with all of this myself. Trying to put things right. And just as you kind of "tossed in the towel" and felt sorry for yourself with your workouts, I did the same with our current problems. When I needed you most, you needed me not to need you. So I opted to try to muster whatever I had to be there for you and the "other" things going on around us. I tried to be superman. I really did. I tried very hard. So many times I lifted my chin, said "today is going to the day" and day after day it wasn't. I can promise you that there are so many days when I know how close I am to making this work. I know this business will work. I know that it will be everything I envisioned it to be. I know that it was the right thing to do. But it isn't happening fast enough. I trusted the wrong people and I only have myself to blame.

But as I suspected it was you I needed. As I have written so many times, it is you who gives me my Superman strength. Having you and having us be right is the one thing makes me go. So even today when we argued, I knew that while you were mad, you reminded me how you believed in me (it was subtle but it was there). How you are there for me - even when I am too dumb to notice it. You re-started my Superman strength. I got back to business and go a lot accomplished.

That is what makes us so great together. Being there for reach other. We have so many good times to look back on and so many better times to look forward too in the future. It is just us sweetie. We don't have much more than that, so we need to make sure that WE stay strong together. The better WE are the better our lives will be.

I love you so much. More than you I think you really know. You are such a huge part of my life. In fact you are pretty much my entire life. I have only one chance to be the most important person in the world to someone and that is you. So I selfishly rely on you for much more than I should. Rely on you to give me my super powers. I get angry at you when I think you are taking them away and giving them to someone else (that is my petty way of being jealous). I wake up in the morning thinking of you and I go to bed at night doing the same. The same way I do every day.

So I am using this blog post to put this all behind us. My focus is on the short term fix we need so badly. I will spend every day contacting anyone who will listen until I fix it. I promise you that. If I am really lucky at the same time the original vision for my new company will come to light as I thought it would, but I'll make sure the NOW is taken care of ASAP.

Just make sure you are beside me the whole time. I don't know what I would do if you weren't. I need you for my super power worse than ever. I love you.

You're the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world.